"My girlfriend just broke up with me and my mom just died. I think I'm going to go stand in front of an oncoming train"
"Would you like me to call a wahmbulance? Dial whine one one?"

Wife: “Have you put the sheets out to dry and put the towels on?”
Husband: “Yes. You know I am a grown adult also used to live alone so you do not need to micro marrige me”