You have to grow your beard longer than merlin and gandalf's combined, screw two brackets at the top of your stairs and place a trident within them. Take your woman, start making love to her doggy style at the top of your stairs, just as you're about to jizz, grab the trident, set your beard on fire, whip your girl's arms out from under and ride her down the stairs while shouting "By Zeus's Beard"

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