Guy 1: Dan is a fucking fancy nut snatcher... there's no cashews left

Guy 2: Yeah, I saw him pick the shrimp out of the shrimp scampi as well

"I'll be back from vacation soon. How are my fish doing?"
"Yeah, about that... 😅"

"He went to choke the chicken..."
"But that's animal abuse! How are you guys okay with this?!"
"I don't think that's what he meant by that 😅"