A person who cries as he ejaculates and proceeds to drink the tears and semen. He once ran for class president but lost to a chalkboard eraser. At the age of 15 he discovered that his father is actually half a turkey and bacon sandwich. People have speculated as to EPJ's sexual orientation, with the top possible orientations being: the attraction to elder mountain goats, attracted to David Caruso's sunglasses or the attraction to Steve Buscemi's elbow crook. He once voted for Mikhail Gorbachev in American idol.

Someone who is possessed by clout chasing. The original human is now gone and a demonic entity that feeds on clout is all that is left. An empty shell with no control of their actions, forced to blindly react to situations they think will bring them attention.