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Believing to be an alpha male, the douche americanus or better known as “scootron” will prey on anything or anyone. Counting on his off-color remarks and his uncanny ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, the scootron has built itself an immeasurable ego that truly rivals no animal except for perhaps the douche africanus aka Kanye West (both self-proclaimed geniuses). A suggested explanation of his outspokenness and complete lack of a mannerly demeanor may in fact stem from a physical as well as mental source.

As commonly seen the scootron’s physical appearance is the definition of flamboyant: dyed blond hair and pale white skin are enough alone to light up the night and scare away it’s would be prey. But let’s not forget the way it breaths through its mouth that makes it impossible for stealth to be an available option. Scientists say the douche americanus can be heard to up to 75 yards away. It’s almost as if it needs to be noticed in any setting. Clad in bright garments tightly molded to its skin, one can’t help but think this is definitely some form of douche. Especially when surrounded by his pack of Merritts.
Now mentally the “scootron” suffers oddly from Napoleon syndrome. How? One would ask since he is not very short in form. The answer is simpler than one would think. Inside the façade of pale yellow and white, there is a very small man that is threatened constantly by the members of its environment. When thinking of this, the asian douche can’t help but come to mind. On paper as well as in physical form the asian douche is a far superior animal; a naturally formed hybrid of excellence that exceeds the “scootron” in all aspects including cognitive ability and athletic prowess.

In the wild, do not approach unless approached first, it will most likely approach you from behind so if spotted keep your face towards it. Refrain from giving it any opportunity to talk about athletics or a topic that it thinks it is better than you in, in anyway. Focus your attention on it for long enough and praise it, then it should retreat and leave you alone (recommended topic: his high school glory days). To avoid interaction, be sure to keep a Katie (or a dumb girl from OSU) to distract its attention.
The douche americanus was drinking beer and banging babes at the same time.
by therash July 22, 2009
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