Ian: I just saw that Jesus is truly here! It is insane! He has performed multiple miracles, ended all wars, and he actually seems to be in favor of racism.
Sean: Well, dip my balls in cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens!

Wife: “Have you put the sheets out to dry and put the towels on?”
Husband: “Yes. You know I am a grown adult also used to live alone so you do not need to micro marrige me”