Dad: Man my son should be the shortstop on this baseball team, he is the best kid we have.

Observer: Actually your son sucks and should be on the bench where he has been and you need to take off those daddy goggles.

Wife: “Have you put the sheets out to dry and put the towels on?”
Husband: “Yes. You know I am a grown adult also used to live alone so you do not need to micro marrige me”