"Dude, I've been eating nothing but frozen burritos and Toaster Strudel for two weeks now, and I'm getting some pretty serious corduroids. Seriously, my asshole looks like cauliflower and I sound like Velcro every time I walk anywhere."

Wife: “Have you put the sheets out to dry and put the towels on?”
Husband: “Yes. You know I am a grown adult also used to live alone so you do not need to micro marrige me”