I'm so very strong
I'm a very strong man
My work out consists
Of crushing nails with my hand

I must have been conceived
By some kind of a boulder
Like a rock from Stone Henge
Leaned up on the shoulder

Of the rock next to it
And one thing lead to the next
So basically I'm the product
Of two rocks having sex

It's the only explanation
For my formidable pecks
I can crush a brick between them
All I gotta do is flex

I'm built like a robot
Out of rise of the machines
But why? I don't know
The secret lies in my genes

To help me concentrate
I crush a can on my face
And decide the time has come
For me to finally trace

The branches of my family tree
To its trunk in the past
And at last explain
This sweet, stone-chiselled ass

I surfed the net to find the
Most efficient family tracker
It racks up my relatives
Lumberjacks and linebackers

I go back generations
And hold my breath in suspense
When I see my origin
It all begins to make sense

I finally understand
These genes I'm carrying
Apparently I descended from Bonar
The Barbarian

"Bonar smash!"
He would allegedly say
Before he headbutted
Everything that got in his way

(NOT ENTIRE SONG)

As the sun sank down over the pier, the children fishing gazed in horror as the lard-ass on his flat bottom boat sent the lakeshore into Mercury retrograde.