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A Navy buddy of mine, Don Armstrong (RIP buddy) had terrible hemorrhoids-- they would bleed and make perfect doll-sized kiss marks inside his underwear.
Don's Wife: "Don! You sick fuck! Did you pay a midget to wear lipstick and kiss your goddamn underwear?"
Don: "No honey... those are from my hemorrhoids."
Don's Wife: "... you mean this is actually... blood?"
Don: "It's best to think of them as Underwear Kisses."
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