Self-aggrandising is what people who have got fuck-all going for them do. It means boasting about yourself and your abilities, telling everyone how wonderful you are, broadcasting copious quantities of bullshit thickly overlaid with FIGJAM. Normal people exposed to the effects of some self-aggrandising nonentity usually experience attacks of acute nausea followed by the need to get as far away as possible from the source irritation.

It’s an acronym standing for Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing. It’s usually used to describe embarrassment at being unable to remember someone (CRAFT moment); going onstage as the lead in the latest theatrical performance and your mind goes completely blank (CRAFT situation); the next morning after a night when you got pissed as a fart and woke up in bed cuddling a traffic cone and a string of fairy lights wound round your prick.