How to identify is someone is your platonic wife

1) They are a female friend of yours.
2) They are the first person you text when you’re in an uncomfortable situation.
3) You’d call them your ‘best friend’
4) When texting, both of you frequently pass lewd, sexual or romantic messages to each other in a joking manner.
5) You either ride with them or die.
6) At a lot of times, you have a love hate relationship with this person.
7) There are no romantic feelings between you and the friend.
8) The only things that could break this bond are:

-differing opinions in food
-differing opinions in celebrity crushes
-differing opinions in anything hardly controversial
9) If you were to have a differing opinion to your friend about food/celebrities/non-controversial topics the crisis could easily be resolved after a sarcastic FaceTime between you and the friend.
10) You’ve been friends with said person for 2+ years.
11) You would got to prison or break the law for this person, and they would for you.
12) You use excessive amount of emojis while chatting.

If a friend applies to all of 11 or more of these rules, they are a platonic wife.

Dude 1: Bro I just got Arnold Schwarzenegger’s number!
Dude 2: Carpe DM, bro, Carpe DM.