Legend has it that Old Man Krumpletoots was a Scottish fishmonger and Dandy who was violently crucified by the local townsfolk for cropdusting the farmer's market with heinous haggis bombs. He did not die, however, and became immortal when he prayed to Santa to save him. Now Krumpletoots leaves dead fish under the pillows of good children, and wet farts on the pillows of bad children on Mitmas Night. The greatest gift a child can be given is to be kissed on the bum by the sweet crack of his Mitmas Miracle Whip.

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