We have 6,000 Microsoft Excel files out there that are exactly identical in reference to the type of data they store. It would be perfect for a database, but we use Excel because the web server we store them on is already paid for by another department and we don't want to pay for a database.

Microsoft Excel VBA applications need to die. You will never get a real programmer to stay around if all you want them to do is build VBA applications with that shit because you are too cheap to buy Visual Studio. This may be why your turnover is so high or your developers lack motivation and ambition to do real work.

My shitty job wants me to program in VBScript and Microsoft Excel VBA. I am looking for a new job because I value my skills and wish to avoid Excel hell.

"I am going to the mall to look for some trade"
"The club was packed with trade, honey"

Past: Et tu Microsoft Excel?
Present: Microsoft Excel is like a keyring with a thousand different keys on it, but only one of the key's open the one lock on one fucking door.
Future: Microsoft Excel?! Oh It is an ancient evil we dare not speak of! For fear of waking the monster beyond the Gates... we must remain silent, yet wary.

Die Microsoft excel.