A small white fluffy dog, apparently selectively bred to present this appearance since Roman times. They were perfectly good wolves before that. Their hair never sheds or stops growing, which means that they can become a hideous walking dreadlock in the blink of an eye. Often inbred to the extent that they need all of their rotten teeth pulled out by a vet before the age of six, it is debatable whether the Maltese is capable of learning discipline. They are given to ceaseless yapping, wissing on rugs and biting (with aforementioned rotten teeth- they have hellbreath) and are never reprimanded for such crimes by their fat, matronly, indulgent owners who need something totally dependent on them to cuddle because their beloved son has rebelled and moved out of home to become a skinhead.

When you eat dirt for the first time and leave your family to build a shack in the woods

A type of very large, upholstered rat which makes a constant yapping noise which is only slightly less annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. If you live adjacent to an apartment which contains one, you will, unfortunately, be quickly driven insane by the incessant racket which it produces if you cannot find a way to dispatch it. Most people regard the Maltese Terrier as nothing more than a noxious varmint with no real use; however, this is not actually true as the Maltese terrier is quite useful as live bait when alligator hunting and can also yield high-quality shark chum when butchered and mechanically separated.