Guests will be sailing through the door any moment so we need to bring the house up to high tide. It’ll ebb back down to its natural state of chaos in low tide as soon as they’re gone, which is fine, but I can’t even swing a cat in here right now.

"Oh, no breakfast for me thanks. I've had my arse at high tide for the past two days and I'm afraid to fart in case I blow out a tsunami!"