A half-functioning fishing captain powered by nicotine, meth, and pure coastal paranoia. Captain Crank is the guy screaming about government satellites while freebasing off tin foil in the engine room of a rusted-out commercial boat—or chain-smoking through a guided trip while cussing at seagulls and mumbling about “the deep state tracking red snapper migrations.”
Not to be confused with an old salty dog—Captain Crank isn’t wise, he’s wired. You’ll know him by the jerky hand movements, a permanent squint (either from sun damage or sleep deprivation), and the overwhelming scent of bait, diesel, and regret.
Spotting Characteristics:
- Yellowed mustache from years of inhaling tinfoil smoke
- Boat held together by zip ties, duct tape, and spite
- Knows exactly where the fish are… but won’t tell you unless you “wake up to what’s really going on”
- Listens exclusively to ham radio frequencies and Joe Rogan clips from 2016
- Will fight you and the harbor patrol if you touch his bait cooler
Common Habitats:
- Commercial fishing boats with suspicious burn marks near the bilge
- Charter docks where someone just got fired or disappeared
- VFW bars with broken pool tables
- Forums arguing that fish finders are government mind-control devices
Not to be confused with an old salty dog—Captain Crank isn’t wise, he’s wired. You’ll know him by the jerky hand movements, a permanent squint (either from sun damage or sleep deprivation), and the overwhelming scent of bait, diesel, and regret.
Spotting Characteristics:
- Yellowed mustache from years of inhaling tinfoil smoke
- Boat held together by zip ties, duct tape, and spite
- Knows exactly where the fish are… but won’t tell you unless you “wake up to what’s really going on”
- Listens exclusively to ham radio frequencies and Joe Rogan clips from 2016
- Will fight you and the harbor patrol if you touch his bait cooler
Common Habitats:
- Commercial fishing boats with suspicious burn marks near the bilge
- Charter docks where someone just got fired or disappeared
- VFW bars with broken pool tables
- Forums arguing that fish finders are government mind-control devices
“We thought he was just passionate… until Captain Crank started yelling about fluoride in the chum.”
“Captain Crank brought us to the fish, but also brought a .38 and a full-blown manifesto.”
“If you smell burnt foil and hear something about ‘the government stealing our swordfish,’ turn around—that’s a Captain Crank.”
“He didn’t use sonar. He said he ‘felt the vibrations in his fillings.’ I’m never chartering with Captain Crank again.”
“Captain Crank brought us to the fish, but also brought a .38 and a full-blown manifesto.”
“If you smell burnt foil and hear something about ‘the government stealing our swordfish,’ turn around—that’s a Captain Crank.”
“He didn’t use sonar. He said he ‘felt the vibrations in his fillings.’ I’m never chartering with Captain Crank again.”
by Pary Moppins August 3, 2025
Get the Captain Crank mug.by Vinnnny9 June 8, 2019
Get the crank the cradle mug.to sleep
Oh, jabob is cranking it on the couch again... oh jabob why you always falling asleep so early smh...
by spyder_2003 May 11, 2024
Get the cranking it mug.The bipedal motion of Methamphetamine users characterized by twitching and fidgeting as if the person is trying to brush imaginary bugs off of his/her skin.
by CSI Sharkticon July 13, 2009
Get the Crank Walk mug.by Mrs.Beast.FFZ July 5, 2022
Get the glizzy crank mug.To masturbate with such force and commitment that one could be mistaken for trying to manually start a 19th-century automobile.
He was cranking the horse crazy style like a desperate cowboy milking thunder from the sky, each stroke a plea to the gods of lust and loneliness. I left the room a changed man.
by HuemanAfterAll May 11, 2025
Get the cranking the horse mug.It's when you're fucking with somebody
Them. Did you tastes my spaghetti?
Me. Yeah, too much sauce
Them. This is a family sauce motherf...
Me.im just cranking your bag bitch it's good
Me. Yeah, too much sauce
Them. This is a family sauce motherf...
Me.im just cranking your bag bitch it's good
by ONlyonE_- June 4, 2018
Get the Cranking Your Bag mug.