89 definitions by Uncle Joosie

Carl was super excited to match with Jacob—a 6'4" former baseball player who seemed nice and single. upon swiping to his matches page Carl saw Jacob pulled an instant ghost and deleted the connection. "Jacob is a dick; don't be like him" Carl thought to himself.

Norbert was sitting in the doctors office and saw Kayleigh "Keelie-June" McEnany on Fixed Noise (aka Victim Industrial Complex) complaining how Kamala Harris appeared on the cover of Forbes when it shoulda been Ivanka. "My god you wretched cretin 'Ivankanomics' ain't a thing," he thought to himself, adding "I need a new doctor who don't show Fox in the waiting room"

when the ladies of Atlanta’s Real Housewives were unpacking LaToya’s relationship with Prophet Lott they called the rumors the holy drip

Cletus the HysteriCon heard about a baker being forced to make a cake for a gay wedding and was so enraged that he camped outside the bakery with a gun; wrote a letter to the editor; and upvoted some nazi posts on Reddit.

Roger Stone entered prison today and took of his shirt; Bowser, inmate No. 3452B, saw Stone's tricky dick prison tattoo and thought "mmm imma get me some of that"

Representative Elise from New York was grandstanding, lying and obfuscating during Trump impeachment hearings; her desperate Stefanikking was patently obvious to millions watching

Emmet and Salvador were chatting via Hangouts and Sal got a work call; after waiting a few minutes Emmet became impatient and sent a Purple Cat sticker holding a clock. When Sal hung up he saw the sticker and replied "oh I KNOW you didn't just engage in Sticker Scolding, bitch."