6 definitions by Peter Cunningham
In the days of words losing their ferosity and power to upset it has been decided that a new word is needed as a step up from the former unmentionable, cunt. After an extensive survey the word that has been settled on is Lawrenson. This choice is inspired by the extreme unpopularity of the BBC football (soccer) pundit Mark Lawrenson.
"So young man why did you stamp on this former man's testicles until they were nought but a bloodied plup?"
"Well your honour he called me a 'Lawrenson', I simply had to defend my honour against such a slur."
"Indeed, well I've heard enough, I find in favour of the defendant on grounds of massive provocation, furthermore I rule that the prosecution should pay the defendant £5.20 enough to buy some shoe cleaner."
From the court transcript of the Ant Vs Dec trial of January 2008
"Well your honour he called me a 'Lawrenson', I simply had to defend my honour against such a slur."
"Indeed, well I've heard enough, I find in favour of the defendant on grounds of massive provocation, furthermore I rule that the prosecution should pay the defendant £5.20 enough to buy some shoe cleaner."
From the court transcript of the Ant Vs Dec trial of January 2008
by Peter Cunningham May 18, 2008
A person of outstanding idiocy or twatdom, one who stands out from all others as a shining example of what not to be like.
The Right Honourable Bishop of Carlisle, Mark Thatcher (son of, and equally compelling candidate for this category, Margaret Thatcher), and Malcolm Horner (housemate and butt of many of my jokes, hohoho)
"I watched Match of the Day last night"
"Oh yeah?"
"Fuck a duck that Lawrenson is a right cunt candle!"
HRH Elizabeth II to Phillip Duke of Edinburgh
"I watched Match of the Day last night"
"Oh yeah?"
"Fuck a duck that Lawrenson is a right cunt candle!"
HRH Elizabeth II to Phillip Duke of Edinburgh
by Peter Cunningham May 18, 2008
Simile to describe the appearance of a female's genitalia, an unfortunate lady's horribly deformed fadge.
"Charles my dear boy, why on earth did you break up with that delightful Diana?"
"Well ma'ma, she was delightful in all respects other than down there, I am telling you it was like going down on a badly packed taco!"
"Indeed, one hears similar rumours of Princess Grace of Monaco, its a real growler I've heard, the staff at the palace commented it could rip your fucking arm off!"
'The Queen and I', The unofficial biography of HRH Elizabeth II, by Andy McNab
"Well ma'ma, she was delightful in all respects other than down there, I am telling you it was like going down on a badly packed taco!"
"Indeed, one hears similar rumours of Princess Grace of Monaco, its a real growler I've heard, the staff at the palace commented it could rip your fucking arm off!"
'The Queen and I', The unofficial biography of HRH Elizabeth II, by Andy McNab
by Peter Cunningham May 19, 2008
"You were a while dear."
"Yes, I'm afraid I popped a bottom cork and the subsequent deluge was like alien blood, it damn near burned through the porcelin! It took an age to sort out."
"Oh err right, well shall we, erm continue..."
"Rather."
"Do you Charles Phillip Arthur George Winsor take Diana..."
"Yes, I'm afraid I popped a bottom cork and the subsequent deluge was like alien blood, it damn near burned through the porcelin! It took an age to sort out."
"Oh err right, well shall we, erm continue..."
"Rather."
"Do you Charles Phillip Arthur George Winsor take Diana..."
by Peter Cunningham May 19, 2008
Polite term for the male genitalia, that can be used a posh dinner parties without causing embarrassement.
by Peter Cunningham May 18, 2008
"Christ I'm in pain here!"
"What is it Elton, are your piles playing up again?"
"No David it's me bowel trowel it's chaffed to buggery on me sequin kegs, get the vaseline would you."
Elton John's infamous backstage comments to life partner David Furnish, that were only transmitted, by some cruel trick of fate, on Iranian TV causing mass burings of his Lion King soundtrack and the slaughter of Tehran Zoo's pride of lions.
Oddly sequin imports to Iran increased by 1000% that year.
"What is it Elton, are your piles playing up again?"
"No David it's me bowel trowel it's chaffed to buggery on me sequin kegs, get the vaseline would you."
Elton John's infamous backstage comments to life partner David Furnish, that were only transmitted, by some cruel trick of fate, on Iranian TV causing mass burings of his Lion King soundtrack and the slaughter of Tehran Zoo's pride of lions.
Oddly sequin imports to Iran increased by 1000% that year.
by Peter Cunningham May 19, 2008