don't have boyfriends, girlfriends, significant others
, husbands, wives, fuck-buddies
, etc. They have 'Partners'.
A 'Partner' is very similar to a boyfriend or girlfriend, but is not a boyfriend or girl friend. If you call someone's 'Partner' a 'boyfriend' or a 'girlfriend', you will be corrected ("no, Callum is my 'Partner'").
'Partners' have many of the same characteristics as boyfriends and girlfriends (functioning genitalia, heartbeats, annoying habits, feelings, etc...), but also have very distinctive behaviors and physical features:
* 'Partners' live in "space
s", not apartments, homes, houses, pads or places.
* 'Partners' sleep and fuck on futons or dirty mattresses on the floor, as opposed to beds.
* 'Partners' generally subsist on 'ethical' or sustainable diet
s of Organic vegetables, Free-range meat and fair-trade coffee.
* Often, a male 'partner' can be recognized by the presence of frappichino glasses
, fashionably-unfashionable clothes, 'old-man' or 'quasi-military' hats, a deliberately messy hair-do odd facial hair patterns and a generally wimpish and elitist attitude. It is not uncommon for a male 'partner' to undergo sympathy cramps
while the female partner is menstruating.
* Female 'partners' are often distinguished by the accumulation of hair on the legs and arm-pits, but not necessarily the genital area. The female partner usually sports boyish clothes, Retro tees, or DIY skirts and blouses made of discarded towels , curtains or tablecloths. leg warmers would not be out of place here. Hair styles can vary from one similar to the male partner's deliberate mess, to a Zelda hair-cut. Female 'Partners' usually can be found in bars, at a table with 3 or 4 guys, in addition to her 'partner' who is quietly sipping his micro-brewed bitter-nut-dark-ale while stewing in jealousy.
* A 'partner' is generally chosen on their potential to advance one's own status in a given scene. A leader of an activist group, a drummer of a post-rock band or the focus of a peer group is generally considered prime 'partner' material. Having a good 'partner' increases your ability to name-drop
, facilitates ladder climbing
and makes for a fashionable conversation piece.
* 'Partners' frown on dating
, as it is an outdated tradition of monogamous courtship. Instead they go on "meetings" at such venues as cheap ethnic restaurants, diners, cultural festivals, downtown parks, wooded areas and their or their 'partners' "space
* 'Partners' can be of great importance one day, and a minor annoyance to be ignored, avoided or kicked to the curb the next. This is because people in 'partnerships' generally strive to avoid any commitment or responsibility in a life devoted to the pursue of their own pleasure, and likely have other 'partners' lined up, if they're not fucking them already.
* Although the term 'partner' suggests equality
in a relationship, this is not the case. The power in the relationship rests with the 'partner' that cares less. As one 'Partner' loses interest, they become harder and harder to arrange a 'meeting' with. leaving the other 'partner(s)' confused as to the state of the decaying 'partnership' leading to desperation and insecurity.
* The term 'partner' is not exclusive to those in monogamous relationships. Often, those choosing open relationship
s refer to each other as 'partners'. hence, it is possible for someone to have multiple 'partners' and 'partnerships'. This helps facilitate the spread of STDs amongst bohemian, activist and alternative circles.
* The term 'Partner' is not exclusive to straight relationships. In fact, the term has been borrowed (co-opted or colonized... if you will) from the L.G.B.T. community which used the term to denote a participant in a same-sex relationship. Gay people resent straight people who have bastardized and colonized the term, just as black people resent white people who have co-opted hip-hop music.
Metrosexual: "Oh, Charlie's my partner. We met at the post-rock show at the Alex P. Keaton."
Me: "Your what?"
Metrosexual: "My Partne---"
Metrosexual: "Ow! Why are you oppressing me?"
Me: "SHE'S YOUR 'GIRLFRIEND'! SAY IT!"