The Puma Crawl is a sexual move reserved for only the most skilled and experienced sexual deviants. At its core, the puma crawl is a rollicking throat-fucking, but to comprehend the true essence of the puma, please consider the following scenario:
After a long night of heavy drinking, you reemerge from blackout to find that the tasty strump you were rapping to at the bar is now lying prostrate below you. As you assume the missionary position and prepare to displeasure her for 2-3 minutes before you fall asleep, you realize your semi-chubber isn’t quite perky enough to lay pipe. Rather than fumbling around until you successfully bury your half erect tube-snake in her vergina, you propel yourself on all fours towards her face and dump your whisky-dick dangler into her gaping mouth and fuck amply. Congratulations my friend, you have just successfully completed the puma crawl.
While the above tale was carried out with all the expertise, savagery, and insatiable sexual will of an experienced puma crawler, please do not underestimate the difficulty of this move. Legend has it that Vatsyayana (author of the Karma Sutra) pulled a hamstring his first time attempting the puma. The key to the puma is timing. If, amidst the whirlwind of your blackout, you are too slow, you risk rejection by your female counterpart. Experience has taught us that no unsuspecting harlot wants to look up and find a hairy sack of meat and potatoes rumbling towards her face eager to fuck. The goal of all aspiring puma crawlers should be to time your approach so that just as your partner realizes what is happening and begins to scream “Noooo!” in protest, it is too late, you are upon her, and her mouth is now conveniently open for a throat mashing.
While style certainly varies based on personal preference, puma crawlers have found that a low and stalking approach works best. It is from this form that “The Puma” derives its name. Similarly, animalistic grunts pair nicely with this technique. Again, the Puma Crawl is a very difficult sexual move. The surgeon general recently issued a warning that before attempting the puma crawl, extensive stretching should be undertaken. Suggested warm-up exercises included, but were not limited to: Irish car bombs, tequila shots, grain alcohol shooters, and double digit beer bongs.
Lisa: Ouuuch! What was that?
Brett (in a satisfied tone): "The Puma Crawl"
Lisa: Fuck that hurts! You got some in my eye!
Brett: (no response) (snoring)
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