1. A shitty newb Brit band that thinks they're the greatest band in the world, as claimed by Chris Martin.
2. A band that fails to realize they suck, and that they should bow down to the likes of Radiohead, U2, Oasis, and Depeche Mode.
3. Any band capable of producing/performing fucking annoying music, as demonstrated by their song "Clocks" - which redundantly cycles the same scales of notes for the entirety of the track.
4. A band in which any of its members give their children stupid names like "Apple"
5. A band that relies on simple riffs and time signatures, lacking the complexity that bands like Radiohead are capable of writing in the their sleep.
"Haha Greatest band in the world? You guys gotta me shittin' me, you stupid Coldplay!"
"This song must be by a Coldplay because it's driving me fucking insane."
"Hey, that sounds like an easy song to play/write. Is that a Coldplay track?"
"Oh, you named your kid Orange? So you must be part of a Coldplay."
"This can't be the work of Ed O'Brien. It's got the simplicity of a Coldplay."
"Thom Yorke has more skills on the guitar, piano, and vocals than the frontman of this Coldplay."
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