Stephen Colbert is the name of a white man who attempted to rape me last night. He told me he was famous when I met him at the bar. I didn't recognize him. I don't have a television. He explained that he was kind of a big deal... When I seemed genuinely uninterested in this shallow show biz clown, he got angry. Next thing I know he smashes his beer bottle on my head and I wake up bound and gagged in some sketchy warehouse setting. He's dressed up in an all American Evil Knievel suit with his erect penis exposed. He's stroking his knob and somehow has morphed his voice to sound like the dude from Saw. He then proclaims "How would you like to participate in some Canadian History no television boy?!" I was slightly alarmed to say the least. Fearing for my own safety I quickly untied my hands, removed the duct tape from my mouth and then pulled Colbert's jersey over his head and knocked him out with an upper cut. I then went back to the bar for last call. What a bizarre experience... Not sure what television program this Colbert is involved with but beware his 'Canadian History' rape fetish.
I was drinking at the bar last night when Steven Colbert hit me over the head with a beer bottle because I didn't know who he was. He then attempted to perform some bizarre rape ritual know as the 'Canadian History' to me as I was bound and gagged. I escaped and lived to tell the tale.
Bartender: Colbert tried to rape you?
Bartender: That's fucking crazy dude. Here, the next round is on me.
Me: Thanks bartender. I sure need a drink after escaping that attempted rape by Stephen Colbert.
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