Anyone, at this very moment, right now, caught dead or alive living in the State of Michigan.
The State of Michigan last night made a desperate (it's usual emotional state these days, like that of a hysterical spinster) phone call to the West Coast pleading for either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone to come and 'save their dilapidated and sick ass' and somehow bring about a happy Capra-esque, Hollywood ending. The State did this on the grounds that, as President Reagan was already dead (is Bonzo available?), both B-movie actors were the only known living persons who, owing to their respective previous roles as 'lone macho warriors', could conceivably pick up the State 'all by themselves' and save it from such a 'horrible' fate (akin to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman only this time with more testosterone). While Stallone could not be reached for comment, Schwarzenegger, when asked if he might agree to such a request admitted he already had quite a bit on his plate as current governor of California. "Besides," he added, "I would have to see the script first and certainly wouldn't want to go anywhere where I might wind up a Rust Belt Loser."
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