R.H.I.A.N. Stands for Really Heavy Inept Ariel Nonsense.
The name originates from the period of European Witch hunts between the years of 1480 to 1700 and was given to those who were considered the most nefarious of witches.
It has long since been believed that those given the name R.H.I.A.N. are indeed themselves, descendants of the mythological gorgon Medusa whose stare could turn all those who looked at her into stone.
Whilst the 21st Century version of a R.H.I.A.N. is not quite as deadly, looking at one in the eyes still remains a severe health hazard. Common symptoms of 'R.H.I.A.N. poisoning' include swollen/stinging eyes and projectile vomiting as well as a form of neurosis that gives the victim an impulse to self-harm.
R.H.I.A.N.'s are identifiable most prominently by their tribal markings that are commonly located on the lower back as well as their resemblance to a variety of farm yard animals due to centuries of ancestral cross and inter-breeding.
(For example, Susan Boyle bred with a pot-bellied pig would give an accurate perception of what a R.H.I.A.N. is expected to look like.)
Evidence of Witchcraft remaining within the R.H.I.A.N. gene-pool, other than the Medusa-like consequences of eye-contact would be the R.H.I.A.N.'s ability to contort her internal organs and bone structure (similar to that of a snake) to allow for excessive muscle mass and agility. This is demonstrated superbly by the R.H.I.A.N.'s keen racket-ball ability within a confined space despite its cumbersome size.
The mental capacity of a R.H.I.A.N. is far inferior to that of the average human being as amply suggested by its poor vocal abilities and learning disabilities. This is further more stated by the primitive, yet distinguished mating ritual of a R.H.I.A.N. that is similar to that of the Latydropilus Amoeba which latches onto any living organism that shares a similar genetic fabric and produces its offspring without the organism's interaction. A typical R.H.I.A.N. can have up to 3 children children within the first two years of it entering mating age (age 9 onwards).
Recent scientific investigation has given way to an implication that R.H.I.A.N.'s, not unlike Human-beings actually have emotions and suffer from loneliness which accounts for the McDonalds and Bus-stop companions to which gather around the R.H.I.A.N. in their flocks for a chance to mate with this profound creature (see chavs) and keep warm. The R.H.I.A.N.'s size has given reason to suggest that this attraction may not be on the chav's part, desperation at all, but a result of the R.H.I.A.N. having its own very strong gravitational field.
Social reforms are currently being debating in Parliament as to whether or not allow for a " R.H.I.A.N. culling season " in the month of October every other year. This is been subject to much controversy over the recent discovery that R.H.I.A.N.'s may indeed feel and share emotions which would no longer class them as a form of multi-cellular bacteria.
Jade Goody is part R.H.I.A.N.
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