A sexy, beastly man who really did win American Idol, but lost to Ruben Studdard because the judges forgot to use Q-Tips the previous nights.
Paula: Why is that colossal man dripping sweat all over the stage, Simon?
Simon: I don't know, but I like it! Much better than that scrabbly little dork over there, Clay Aiken. Too bad I cannot hear him for my excess earwax has blocked my eardrums.
Paula: Yeah, too bad.
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