a) "wow. i'm sorry to hear about your awful day at work. sounds rough. i am pretty sure that me having a kid with cancer TRUMPS your slow internet, annoying co-worker who talks too loud, and your decreased salary due to your lack of sales. nice try though!"
b) "i loved looking at the pictures of your beautiful wedding! thanks for sharing! you do realize, however, that in the company "how long will they last" pool, i went with 2 kids and 5 years. good luck!"