It also tells you how the world was created, how it will end, what will happen to believers, and what will happen to those who adamantly refuse God and his omniscience.
The Bible is meant to be taken literally in some aspects, and is open to interpretation in others.
It chronicles the origin of the world and civilization (the alternative is the theory of evolution which will never be proven).
The Bible shows how an Intelligent Designer could create something as complex as our world and life in general.
The Bible is full of prophecies that have been fulfilled, as well as prophecies that have been fulfilled in recent history, and prophecies that will be fulfilled.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bible does lend itself to science and human knowledge. It gives explanations that some choose not to accept (like little kids with their hands covering their ears, eyes clinched shut, mumbling 'la la la la la la la' because they think this changes reality).
The portion of the bible commonly referred to as the New Testament pertains to an historical catalyst in the persona of Jesus of Nazareth, perceived by those who believed him to be the Messiah that was foretold. It is a collection of the memoirs of the apostles, known as the gospels and the acts of the apostles. also included are letters of the apostles to different Christian communities of their time admonishing them against behavior and belief that would lead them astray from the meaning of the gospels.
Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.
Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.
New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.
Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.
After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.
- By Noah McHugh