"what a sloaney. tsk!"
* A public school is a paid-for educational institution, often with boarding houses. The idea behind them is that someone pays for you to gain a superior education, which allows you to earn plenty of money to get your children a superior education, which allows them to... etc. etc. until one of your offspring blows all his money on a twin-engined chocolate orange making machine.
Where to find them
During the school holidays, look out for them primarily in the vicinity of King's Road ("the KR") in Chelsea, London. However, they also spend time in their estates in the Berkshire and Buckinghamshire countryside partaking in rituals known as "polo" and "tennis parties". Rock, in Cornwall, and its surrounding area is a popular destination for Sloaneys with an art for keeping their blood alcohol level above the 50% level.
Designer clothes (non-skater, that is. Don't want to look like we've been slumming it in the skate park, do we darls?)
Voice sounds as if plum is shoved down throat
Use of Sloanglish
Group of 3 or more girls saying "Oh my gawd" and generally trying to make the rest of the world believe that their life is actually exciting
Group of 3 or more guys laughing like Tim Nice-but-Dim
Head glued to mobile phone in attempt to appear popular (it's probably Mummy seeing if they're alright)
Referring to each other as "darling", and abbreviating each other's names to end with an S (eg. Laura - Lors, Lucy - Luce/Loos, Henry - Hens, William - Wills, etc.)
Pseudo-sophistication. Watch out for kissing once on each cheek as a greeting, like the French.
Ampleforth, Bradfield, Bryanston, Canford, Charterhouse, Eton, Harrow, Marlborough, Oundle, Radley, Rugby, Stowe, Tonbridge, Winchester, Abingdon, Benenden, Cheltenham Ladies', Downe House, Headington, Heathfield, King's Canterbury, St. Edward's Oxford ("Teddies" haha), St. Mary's Wantage, St. Mary's Carne, St. Mary's Ascot, St. George's Ascot, Uppingham, The Oratory School, Wellington, Woldingham, Wycombe Abbey ("Scabby Abbey")
and many more...
Sometimes, these creatures give themselves away with their ridiculous names. Ones we found on an investigative (honest!) trip to Cornwall included Gala, Aurea, Crystal, Tory and Poppy. In most countries, giving children names like that is considered a severe breach of human rights.
c www.sloaneys.co.uk for more info
1. jack wills tracksuit bottoms, usually with big holes in. the grottier the better; ralph lauren (or other designer) shirt, usually pristine; big fat leather belt, again quite grotty; a HUGE set of faux pearls or a lovely ornate necklace. like wearing that one neclace can make the rest of the grotty outfit look beautiful. ugg boots.
2. skinny jeans with a jack wills hoody and a BIG pashmina and BIG sunglasses (optional). really old pumps.
3. any combination of these. sloaneys also sport manky old cardigans, polo shirts, occasionally they wear a sequinned elastic headband across their forehead, which akes their forehead itch and look really sore, but hey, thats how they like it.
A ooh, i have that exact JW hoody in brown!
B i have in brown too, no way! i also have it in navy, its such a shame they only have two designs in three colours each.
A actually, i have all of them then, now that you say that! oh my god!
B so anyway, do you want to go to the toilets, i think my hair is losing volume, i need to backcomb it some more.
A yeaaah, same, by the way, i LOVE your uggs. i mean, i have some in hazel, i've got the ivory pair and i have them in chocolate, but that is SUCH a nice shade of tan!
B i know, right, daddy got them imported for me, they were only £150 a pair, so i got four! how great is that?! listen, lets go to stammy this evening, i mean, we SO havent been there in like, three days.
A oh my god!! what a great idea! we can get totally wasted, that sounds fit.
Basically to be rich, beautiful and spend to much time and money on the Kings Road looking down your nose at all the normal people who aren't dressed like a Jack Wills advert or have hair so big you could loose something in it.