A Republican Is Someone Who Believes The Following:

I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies in military might and God's help, as long as we do His Will and make this a Christian nation while supporting Israel until the day Israel is destroyed and Jesus returns.

I BELIEVE that each person's dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored unless we can encroach on these in the name of safety or other short-term excuse that the idiot populace will accept.

I BELIEVE in special rights and justice for Republican politicians, Christian leaders, the extremely wealthy and lobbyists, regardless of cause as long as the money is right.

I BELIEVE in equal justice and equal opportunity for everyone else, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability, unless we're talking about lazy black people, illegal Mexican people, uneducated women, homosexuals, or, if justice and opportunity for disabled people costs businesses money.

I BELIEVE large corporate profits, stock market wealth and protection of monopolies will bring this nation opportunity, economic growth and increased prosperity for the upper one percent of incomes.

I BELIEVE government should talk about fiscal responsibility and allowing individuals to keep more of the money they earn, but should actually borrow and spend recklessly and place the full burden of taxes on those with lower and lower incomes and future generations for short term gain. Any taxes on the rich are socialism.

I BELIEVE the proper role of government is to advance Christian evangelical morals through tax code, control of education, judicial appointments, privatization and the proper Christian philosophies of wealth and warfare.

I BELIEVE the most effective, responsible and responsive government is government run by those who know best, and all means necessary must be used to work against poll access by the lowly, the lazy, the stupid and the poor.

I BELIEVE the Republican Party was founded by America's founding fathers to fight Roe vs. Wade, to protect "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance they wrote, to put "Under God" on our money, and to keep the Ten Commandments in our Courtrooms and government buildings.

I BELIEVE that we must never speak to our enemies, unless they're very big enemies with money and cheap labor agreements.

I BELIEVE in free trade with lower nations that provide cheap labor and higher profits and any attempt to induce labor or environmental equality on these nations is liberalism.

I BELIEVE you're either with us or you're with the terrorists. If you do not have the same beliefs we do, you are un-American and worthy of derision, abuse, vandalism, placement on no-fly lists and investigation.

I BELIEVE anyone labeled "liberal" is a socialist, which is actually communist, which is actually Marxist, which means evil.

I BELIEVE abortion must be made illegal, but stopping extramarital and teen sex is more important than reducing abortion rates, so I support abstinence-only education, blocking of access to birth control by teens, and punishing poor people for being lazy by blocking access to health care to those women who want to keep their babies.

I BELIEVE Americans must retain only those principles that we consider important while developing new and innovative ideas for bringing power to a Republican executive branch and reducing the power of the annoying Congress and the activist Courts.

I BELIEVE Americans value and should preserve our national strength and pride while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights to good Americans only, and to create international opportunities throughout the world to develop inexpensive manufacturing for American companies.

FINALLY, I believe the Republican Party is the best vehicle for translating these ideals into positive and successful principles of government, and I believe we must use any means necessary, including lies, smears, voter suppression, federal police, the Secret Service, warrantless spying, even the destruction of lives and reputations, to progress our God-endorsed agenda.
"Those right wing Republican nut jobs are extremely bigoted, ruthless, and evil."
by Juan In A Million August 06, 2009
Any person who is hypocritical, obsessed with wealth and authority, devoid of compassion or empathy, gets an erection from guns and bombs, is incapable of honesty, cowardly, unable to produce origianl or creative thoughts, a rascist defender of White Privalege with a whiney bitchass sense of entitlement, extremely narrow-mined, ethnocentric, cheap, and blaims all the worlds problems on Democrats, minorities, or foriegners. They can often be seen driving Ford F150 Trucks with "Bush '04" stickers still on them five years later. Typically they were the fat, ugly, aukward, or boring kids in High School who never got laid and weren't smart enough to sit with the nerds. They grow up and attempt to horde money, because women will only fuck them if they are rich.
Ex: Who are all those pricks at that bogus tea party gathering? Republican astroturf douchebags who can't figure out that Obama actually lowered their taxes...fuckin idiots!!!
by Jr Phillips August 10, 2009
Someone who supports small government when it can help you and big government when it controls who you can marry and what you can smoke.

Someone who calls democrats crackheads without realizing that the retard in office is the only crackhead around.
Someone who drops out of school to do drugs is not a democrat, its the president and the vice president who are republicans
by Bush Hater March 17, 2005
An itching painful mass of enlarged veins found in red swollen anal tissue.

Also called Hemorrhoids.
Maybe if you wiped the shit off of your ass those fucking Republicans would go away.
by Davied January 24, 2007
One who advocates for violence yet does not participate.
As a Republican, I believe that we should invade all countries that are not like the United States and lay waste to all peoples who do not ascribe to our ideals, but I can't help cuz I got a bum elbow. And I get dizzy if I see blood. Go USA!
by Liberal Combat Vet September 06, 2010
One who becomes aware of all political problems in the US when a Democrat is president.
I can't believe what's been happening in America since that Democrat was elected. Destruction of civil liberties, supporting the banks, endless war? Not with a Republican in the White House!
by ActualDefinitions July 03, 2010
A party of dumbasses which rape the world and destroy the nation with mass corruption. People who CLAIM to Morally Conservative, but turn out to be just as sodomnic and faggot as all the other parties. Basically a puppet party, where there is a candidate of high status that releases a bunch of propaganda to nation and hopes enough idiots belive waht he says and fall in to his trap so he may corrupt the nation for another term.
dumb american: I am against liberals and all this other sodomn bullshit. I want some sort of independence and other dumbassed american ideals, I must be a Republican! (NO) Now it's time for my ultra clan leader to declare war on all nations, put our nation in complete poverty - control and slavery, and allow him to steal billions of dollars so the freemasonics can be in power forever.

cool guy (me): It's really time for a third party that's neither ultracorrupt and enslaving nor sodomnic and crazy radical liberal.
by the truth hurts March 29, 2005

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