"Mildred! This must be from Mildred! This is nonsense! I left the entire tip! And this is a Van Dyke, not a goatee!"
He saw that his friend Bartholomew was online and initiated a chat with him. "Mildred is telling people that I have a tiny penis and am cheap and goateed! Here's proof!" He included a link to the defamatory comment and waited.
The response came back in just over two minutes: "Sir, there are about a quarter of a million men on the dating scene around here and half of them have facial hair. That could be anyone talking about anyone. Gird yourself. You are suffering from the worst case of paranonoia I've seen this week."