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18.
One of the funniest commedians EVER, matched only by Dane Cook. Died tragically in late March by a combination of drug abuse and a life-long heart problem... :(
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for...(laughs) That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
by REDWHITEnCrue25 July 21, 2005
 
15.
a comedian with one of the funniest and greatest voices of all time considered to be the Next sienfeld (but funnier) but died march 30th 2005 about the time the pope died and his death got over shadowed by the Popes death though some people knew he died (including the fan basis of NGs . com)
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

WHY The Fuck did mitch hedberg half to die what bullshit is this
by TheBoneThug July 13, 2005
 
16.
Probably one of the funniest comedians to ever stand on a stage and hold a microphone. His comedy was all over the place, had no real story line to it, but always made you laugh. Sadly though, Mitch died in 2005 of a heart complication.

Hopefully he's making funnies for God, Jesus, and all those bigshots up on the big stage in the sky. This deffinition is dedicated to you Mitch! You rock my socks!....Totally.

R.I.P. Mitch
Some infamous quotes from Mitch Hedberg::

"Some hotels don't have 13th floors because of supersticion...But people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. Jump out the window of the 13th floor and you will die earlier."

"Rice is great if you want 2000 of something."

"It dosn't matter whether you're black, white, green, or purple...oh wait - green or purple? I think we have to draw the line somewhere. So the hell with purple people...Unless they're choking...then help 'em!"
by Rose-Colored-Glasses August 14, 2006
 
17.
Funniest comedian alive, see crack head, lol but the best crack head.
"I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
The Grand Finally

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
by n333m October 19, 2004
 
19.
The beest fuckin comedian.Everyone loves him....including trevor lowden
Trevor Lowden loves mitch hedberg...so d MEE MEE MEE MEE MEE MEE
by MEEMEMEM April 10, 2005