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110.
Ah, Linux,
The April fool's joke of the computing world and an embarrassment to the open-source philosophy. The brat that hasn't learned to shut the fuck up and do something more productive to its cause. The hacking tool used by script kiddies who think they are "l337 haxors" after typing 10 lines of code in Pearl. A prime example of how group-think leads to less productive activity. Communism in electronic form. Now Im sure we all have by now heard the same old cliches about old Tux being the best thing since sliced bread, but eventually, they just beg to be examined a little more, as follows.

1) Linux is free.

And I'm the king of Peru. If it really is free, then the Linux sites would have no pop-up windows and ads asking for donations. Getting Luddix may be "free", but having to end up buying up to $200 worth of new hardware just to run a computer at 1/20 the speed of Windows 95 throws the whole concept of free out the door.

Also the "Free as in Beer" line is pure bullshit, because the can of Budweiser I got at the store cost me $1.39, and it costs money to get whole-grain wheat flour to create home-brewed alcohol.
And no, dumb-ass, speech is not free either. If you don't believe me, try going up to a cop and string some four-letter words in his face, nd see if he will respect your freedom of speech.


2) Linux is fast and does not contain bloat-ware like Micro$hit Windoze.

If you think Microsoft Windows is bloat-ware, you haven't tried Red Hat, ELX, or SusE, because THOSE define bloat-ware. Up to 7 CDs full of useless junk right there. And Luddix is fast alright, compared to the time it takes for Neptune to circle around the Sun. And you won't believe how much RAM a typical Lunix distribution gobbles up. Better make sure you have an extra 512MB stick of RAM handy. (Note: If you want to see a fast operating system that's not Linux, check out BeOS at www.bebits.com. Now THAT, my friend, is fast!)


3) Linux gives you choices.

That would have been fine if there were 4 distributions. Hell, that would have been okay if there were 9 distros. But 300 distros is fucking insane, especially if 293 of them suck shit through a straw.

4) with Linux, you have a wide variety of GUIs and applications.

Yeah, too bad they are all poorly-designed, and look like ripoffs of anything that Microsoft or Apple makes. Not to mention, having to type 30 fucking lines of code just to get the program to open is pure joy.


5) 2005/2004/2000/1999/1998: The Year of the Linux Desktop.

The year came and went, Windows and MacOS logos are still flashing on the screens of those who are not blessed with the faggotry of geekism. Where oh where did Tux go? The kernel that every computer "expert" hyped would be the killer of Micro$oft? Surely Walmart can't hold up the weight of the Linux community with its $300 Linspire boxes (which end up being a dirt cheap way of installing Windows on a new computer) Looks like the Lin-zealots lied to us again, which is typical of those bastards. And it's also hard to believe that it's been over 10 years, and the fucking penguins STILL haven't created anything that even Apple would give a shit about.


6) Linux is more secure and easier to improve than Windoze.

Until the terrorists, cultists, and malicious coders get their hands on Lunix. If they haven't already. After all, it is open-source, and by definition, open-source means that everybody gets to contribute their input into the kernel.


7) The Linux community is willing to lend a helping hand to those not familiar to the kernel.

If a helping hand means,
(a) telling grandma to RTFM and
(b) posting 9 spelling-error-filled pages of insults, death-threats, and jokes about gay sex/male body parts/fairy-tale creatures on a Linux message board because she politely asked how to get her sound card to work,
then surely the Luddix community is the most generous group in the world.


8) Linux is more stable than Windoze

I like that, plus the fact that you can't run anything without 200 dependencies (see dependency) or 30 lines of code.


Now that we're done breaking down the crap, here are some things the Lunatix community has no choice but to fix, if they ever want old Tux to be on more than 0.0003% of all desktops.

1) GET RID OF X! It is a waste of resources and useless as a desktop GUI. At least the guy who created Damn Small Linux had the right idea, and as a result, created a distro that actually isn't bloat-ware.

2) Get rid of all those useless fucking window managers and themes. They add more bloat to the system.

3) Get rid of the snobs, l337 haxors, and religious extremists in your midst. If you ever wonder why nobody is using Linux, it's because these bastards are the loudest and rudest of the bunch.

4) NO MORE TARBALLS OR COMPILES! The software should already be compiled BEFORE it is released, because that's just pure fucking laziness and the programmer deserves to be hanged.

5) Rewrite the entire Lin-architecture so that programs don't need 200 fucking dependencies just to work.

6) Rewrite the entire Lin-architecture so that it doesn't require a 5-hour compile whenever an updated of a text-editor/MP3 player/Tux-Racer game is installed.

7) GET THE FUCKING HARDWARE TO WORK! If the "Winmodem" works on a FreeBSD box and a BeOS box with generic drivers, then there is no excuse for the modem to not work under Linux.

8) Standardization is good, especially when it comes to file packaging and installation.

9) Get rid of all the useless fucking distros that are clogging up the Internet. Nobody is going to use 290 of them anyway, so you might as well just band together and focus your talents and resources (and MY donation money) on the 10 most used distros.

10) Make the emulation PERFECT! If WINE promises to emulate Windows programs, then it damn well better emulate every piece of Windows-compatible software sold at Office Depot or Electronics Boutique. Failure to do so is unacceptable and will result in the purchase of a real OS (Windows XP).
If Average User Joe has to spend 5 hours downloading a 3-CD Linux distro from your crappy servers or end up shelling out $50 to $180 at Best Buy for the same distro because (a) the servers are not available or (b) don't exist, then Joe expects that distro to (1) install flawlessly, (2) work right out of the box, and (3) support all his hardware. If said Linux distro violates any of the three expectations, then don't expect Linux to succeed.
by Tirk Dogg February 28, 2005
157 231
 
71.
A free operating system, comparable to Windows.

To all of you that think that it's not compatible with anything, use the fucking program called Wine on there, it's a nice Windows emulator.
Collin: "My mac is so slow and annoying, it can't do shit"
Joe: "Get Ubuntu Linux"
Collin: "I'll try it"

1 Week later
Collin: "OMG! This is so much better than Windows or Mac!"
by mrbigfishy June 18, 2009
4 7
 
72.
An operating system-whoops, I meant KERNEL-mainly used by teenagers who think it makes them edgy and alternative (just like listening to the Arctic Monkeys). Funnily enough, they only ever install it on a hard drive partition. So when it inevitably fucks up they can fall back on Windows (which will also fuck up eventually).

Also worthy of note is that its supporters make use of the "m$" abbreviation every chance they get, hoping they'll appear to be "fighting the machine." But contrary to popular belief, having Linux does not make you a 1337 h@x0r, and being a 1337 h@x0r does not mean you use Linux.
*downloads and attempts to install a Linux distribution*
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
by SomethingWitty June 11, 2008
20 23
 
73.
What I use for development of HTML, JAVA, PERL, C, C++. Very stable, but does not have much software that can run on it, because of lack of knowledge about it on the part of the general public. Great for webservers, but until people decide to create software for this system, buggy, backdoored systems like windows will have to do. Linux is often used by professional developers, webmasters, advanced computer users, and people who are able to get off their arse and install it for the sake of their privacy. Some versions (i.e. Red Hat) are relatively easy to install, and can be found free in libraries. Other 'distros' can be found on the internet, but may be harder/easier to install. It can be installed on very low end computers with under a GiG of drive space, and 32k ram. So stable, a Win 9.x. demo cannot crash it =)). Not used often because many people have no idea it exists (that's changing though).
a good OS for stability.
by normalperson April 19, 2004
20 23
 
74.
Extremely stable and advanced Operating System. much used by System operators to run on webservers because of it's stability and safety. Very hard to use. Not compatible with Windows programs and therefore not recommended for gamers.
Thank god my servers are much safer and stable now they're penguin powered by Linux
by Seven of Nine July 14, 2003
26 29
 
75.
Linux is one of the most powerful contraceptives ever. The more one learns about Linux, the more powerful its fertility-stealing powers become.

Typical Linux users are a sensitive lot. This is because their entire self-esteem is tied up in knowing obscure piping and scripting techniques that nobody in the real world gives a fuck about. Supposedly, this makes them smarter. If a Linux user feels threatened about the coming obsolescence of his beloved OS, untold havoc will be unleashed. This will eventually produce lulz. For this reason, we reveal here the easiest ways to troll a Linux message board or IRC channel.

*If the subject of distros comes up, reply, "Yes, but what can <insert distro name> do that Ubuntu can't do?

*Claim that the Windows kernel design is better than Linux.

*Warn everyone that Mactel will destroy Desktop Linux

*Ask "But can it run BSD?"

*If the subject of CLI comes up, reply, "But you could do that with DOS twenty years ago!"

*Predict that Solaris will eventually destroy Linux

*Make completly baseless claims that you are the CEO of a major corportion (don't specify which one!) and say you see no future in Linux.

*Tell everyone that Linux isn't ready for grandma

*Quote Theo de Raadt

*Remind all Linux users that they are still virgins

*Point out that the BSD License is infinitely superior to the GPL

*Incessantly ask every user about what parts of the code in their kernel were stolen from SCO.

*Let it be known that you appreciate Clippy

*Ask if Wine can run <insert program here> yet.

*Use the phrase "total cost of ownership."

*Ask for advise on finding quality Linux games.

*Say that Linux is inferior for development because it doesn't have Visual Basic .NET

*Make it known that $699 (the fee you legally owe SCO if you use Linux) is $300 more than the price Windows Server 2003 Web Edition, which has more features, greater stability, and has been shown time and time again to have a higher ROI.
Fun things you can do with Linux:

*Update your drivers.

*Brag about your kernals.

*Say you use Linux (which will get your ass kicked)

*Eat KFC chicken around the clock.

*Manually edit config files

*Keep your virginity

*Uhh, well thats pretty much it.
by 1A1EC1E730C2 April 06, 2008
23 28
 
76.
A kernel thingy. It pwns Win32.
I like to bash people who use Linux on urbandictionary.com. In other news, I have no life.
by Menchi September 15, 2003
25 30
 
77.

Read the first definition, it's so true.

XP has screwed me 1 too many times.

Windows: I look pretty and everything runs on me

Linux: Yeah, I'm not butt slow and don't bsod all the time.
by oblong penis September 14, 2007
9 15