Person at a party designated to remain sober and handle any activities the extreme state of intoxication of the other party guests render them unable to perform. Activities such as working the TV and/or DVD player, ordering drunk food, collecting car keys, cleaning up food/discarded clothing/spilled beer/vomit, preventing (or breaking up) fights, and talking to the police/security/neighbors.

A person whose job it is to facilitate a good time while at the same time preventing people from ending up in either jail or the hospital.

A secondary function of the lifeguard is to provide a supplement to facebook memory by providing a coherent record of the events of the party to everyone else the following morning. Thus providing guests with a person to whom they can pose the question "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Nick: "Who's lifeguard tonight?"
Jay: "Greg's got it"

Nick: "I'm jonzing for some fuckin' wings"
Jay: "dude, get the lifeguard to order some"

Nick: "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Lifeguard: "You tried to jump off the fucking balcony 'cause you thought you could fly"
by DamianKain April 07, 2008
The sexual act of the man having an orgasm on the woman's nose and then spreading it around, like a lifeguard would wear sunscreen.
"I totally pulled the Lifeguard on this chick last night."
by E.A.W.D.mike February 07, 2009
When someone is sleeping, quietly pull your pants down and wipe your ass with the bridge of their nose. This will make the poop stain on their nose resemble the lotion lifeguards usual wear.
When you think of a lifeguard you can picture the white suntan lotion on his nose, now replace the lotion with turd from your buttcrack.
by Jesus Toast February 27, 2008
This profession is commonly misconstrued to be related to a worthwhile human existence, one consisting of preventing harm and saving the lives of our fellow human beings. This idea is entirely wrong. The lifeguard can be found sitting, sleeping, laying down, or staring randomly at any pool in the country. Upon close study of this creature, it becomes obvious that while the lifeguard is "scanning" the pool he is actually looking for any sign of a 1000 mile meteor, fireball, thunder, horseman, alien, black hole, and pretty much any sign indicating the end of the world. This can be due to the extreme suicidal nature of every lifeguard. In conclusion, all lifeguards would like everyone to know that anyone entering the pool is subject to immediate hatred and a plethora of death wishes/curses by the lifeguard. Lifeguard Doctrine: person other than lifeguard + pool = suicide
Patron entering pool area: "How are you?"
Lifeguard: "Great, yourself?"
translation- "Great, but do you happen to have a knife, rope, or cyanide pill on you?"
Patron: "fine, just fine"
by sh bloc September 18, 2007
the waste of life who sits in a stand for 8 hrs a day. sometimes with no break. bitching about how the job is so hard when no one ever comes swimming there and all the life guard does is eat and burn things and talk shit on other people over the walkeeeeee talkeeeeeee
treasure lake life guards are lazy and I am one of them.
by Anonymous March 25, 2003
a paid bully. lifeguards are completely worthless, as their job description requires them to work on their tan for 8 hours a day, bleach their hair, and blow an air horn at anyone in water above their waist.
That lifeguard has honked at us three times, even though these crummy east coast waves aren't enough to drown my kneecaps. Just keep ignoring him; maybe he'll call in the unarmed beach cops.
by elemental June 26, 2005

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