Jesus was born Jesse Howard Hayes on October 24th, 1968, in the small town of Gas City, Indiana, near the I69 Speedway. At a young age he discovered he had powers far beyond those of mortal men, in a schoolyard scrap with his arch enemy at the time, Little Willy Crudder. Crudder was vaporized after a short scuffle, and Jesse was sent to live with his Aunt Martha and Uncle Jonathan Kent on their farm. After several years there in obscurity, his uncle has a heart attack, and Jesse hears a psychic call telling him to travel to the north, far beyond the arctic circle to discover his origins. He finds a giant iceberg and a crystal, and it builds a Fortress of Solitude for him where he gets a message from his father, who happens to be the god of the Christians (no, not Tony Alamo).
The Christian god, whose name is not known because speaking it would bind his power to the speaker, tells Jesse that he needs to travel through time to stop the Romans from continuing their lifestyle of awesome orgies and wine tasting. Jesse says he will do it, and changes his name to Jesus before he steps into the time warp. Jesus travels back to the year 2 BC, appearing naked in a deserted alley. His first encounter with the ancient people was shocking to him. Near a tavern, he entered wearing absolutely nothing, his muscles rippling with untold power. He could understand their speech, but the Romans didn’t seem to think he should be allowed to enter their tavern naked. The closest Roman who was smoking a cigar, burned the head of the cigar on Jesus’s left pectoral muscle. Without flinching, Jesus bent the man’s hand back just as another Roman broke a pool cue over Jesus’s head. Jesus grabbed the other man and threw him across the room, and made the first Roman give his clothes to Jesus. Jesus left the tavern with the keys to the first Roman’s horse.
Jesus formed an alliance of twelve warriors, ready to take on the threat of the Roman army. He was chased by the evil Roman general, Spartacus, across the Rubicon, and was finally forced into battle in 1 BC, before the banks of what is today called the Po River, just north of the town of Ferrara. Ferrara was later named after Jesus’s number one warrior who fell that day. As the day dawned, Spartacus and his evil army had assembled for battle, against Jesus and his twelve Servus Fati (Servants of Fate). The Servants of Fate called forth a phantom battalion to fight for Jesus, many dead warriors that had forsaken their oaths to fight against the Dark Lord in ages past. Their new allegiance to Jesus would break the curse of undying that held them to a miserable unlife, forever doomed to walk the Earth until their oaths could be fulfilled. Jesus sent up a war cry that shook the heavens, and battle was joined. Spartacus unleashed his elite Cobra Warriors, trained in the pits of hell in hand to hand combat and desert survival, and at first it seemed the phantom warriors would be overcome by the Cobra army.
Spartacus made his way to the front of the battle, where fighting was thickest, and struck down many of the Servants of Fate. First he became locked in mortal combat with Ferrari, and slew him after a prolonged struggle. Shocked by losing their mightiest warrior, the three closest Servants of Fate, Moses, Abraham, and Mike Ditka charged Spartacus, and were all slain on the spot. Far to the left flank, Jesus felt the losses at the instant they happened. Channeling the souls of his dearest fallen friends, he summoned a mighty unicorn, and mounted atop it, crying “Elendil!”
Spartacus, hearing the cry and seeing the Servants of Fate flock to the mighty warrior atop the unicorn, took his elite cadre of Cobra warriors and charged. Like a mighty wave crashing against a solid cliff, he was at first thrown back, but the power of Spartacus’s One Ring was too great. He charged again and again, breaking the line of phantom warriors who opposed him, tossing them aside in scores by the swings of his mighty weapon, Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld. Jesus then called out his name, shouting "Spartacus! Spartacus!" Knowing full well the rules of the demon code and having to answer a challenge for single combat, Spartacus charged Jesus intent on slaying the man-god. Jesus called on his father god to give him a blade, and it appeared in his hand, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. Sparks flew as each warrior struck at the other like some crazy anime flick. Finally Jesus landed a mortal strike, sundering Spartacus’s arm from his body. The evil general’s flesh burned black with truth as the purity of Jesus’s blade struck him. He fell, and a great chasm opened up and swallowed many Cobra warriors.
The battle was over, and the remaining Servants of Fate, Gandalf, Pippin, Judas, Mary, Voltron, Arthur, Hitler, and Chuck Norris were charged with clearing the field. They marched on Rome in 0 BC, and the cult of Christianity was created to worship the man-god, Jesus “Hell’s bane” Christ (he is called Jesus H. Christ to this day).
Soon after Jesus broke the power of Spartacus, the Roman civilization crumbled, and Jesus disappeared. No one knows where this truly epic warrior went. Some say heaven, some say hell to continue the battle, and some say another universe. We are lucky to have had him on our side, however, and the remnants of the Battle for the Po River in 1 BC can be seen today.
At least one of his Servants of Fate live still to this day, and the mystery and epicness of Jesus gives meaning to human life, for his struggle signified the essence of the human spirit: Never give up, and never surrender.