tourism & retirement bby. if you go down to orlando, you're either in a theme park or the gettoh. which, coincidentally, can be found within about 45 minutes from anywhere else. most southern are beach towns & it basically becomes cuba. the keys are pretty much orlando via small islands. yes, there are alligators. no, we don't walk to disney every day. the temperature ranges from hot to hotter, although it actually can snow in SOME places very rarely. up in whatever the hell that little place is that isn't america's penis, well. if you live there, you probably can't afford a computer. or you just can't read, so i don't even have to explain. along the mid-coast is actually pretty normal, although were lucky, as we can go to the beach ANNNYYYYYtime. which, yeah, everyone does. all the houses are fucking spanish-style, which drives anyone north of the carolina's insane ("this looks like a mexican resteraunt...") and every single thing has palm trees and pastel colors on it. 3/4 people are probably elders. most people are pretty tan all the time. or sunburned. whatever. nobody likes the cops here. or the "endangered" birds, which convientiently land in front of the car when you're running late, and only then, while hitting them is illegal. ("they don't seem too fucking endangered, they never leave!") education is sitting in a non-air conditioned classroom with a teacher that hates you as much as you hate them. everyone honestly thinks orlando is the capitol. there are way too many people "passionate" about the gators. the daytona 500 isn't really a big deal. drugs are crazy, as well as "gettoh" kids that think living outside of a gated community is hardcore. ("welcome to the gunshine state muthurrr.") shut up and drink you're orange juice, YOU'RE IN FLORIDA!

The godforsaken Sunshine State renowned for weather and beaches. Florida is noteworthy for having no discernible season changes. Well-known for its subpar education system, Florida is home to Florida State University, a party school known for its football team and its acceptance of anyone who has a pulse and can spell his or her own name correctly. The population here is an amalgam of inhabitants from elsewhere; if you wish to find a retired New Yorker, go to any one of Boca Raton's 5,000 retirement communities; if you want to find a Latino/Hispanic/person whose first language is Spanish, turn around. Florida is a geographic anomaly in that the farther north you travel, the more Southern it seems (and sounds like), and the farther south you go, the more it seems like Cuba (as evidenced by the Little Havana area of Miami). Still, Florida, as a whole, is without an easily recognizable dialect. All place names here are either of Spanish (Punta Gorda, Boca Ciega) or Native American (Tallahassee, Econolockhatchee River) origin, or contain the word "orange" in them. Florida decor has inexplicably come to mean "a seafoam green and pink couch with a watercolor pelican painting." Floridians are not known for good taste; also missing are driving skills, especially in the frequent rain, and voting know-how.

Florida: The state for the newly-wed and the nearly-dead.

A state with two seasons... Summer and January 14th.

The only state in the country where the further north you go, the further south you get. Also a lovely place to retire.

America's wang (see: America's wang)

The only state in the U.S. where the number of natural disasters in a year is more than the number of smart politicians.

Florida: God's waiting room.