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14.
England is without a doubt the BEST country in the world, despite being ruled by a total idiot. But, to be perfectly honest, I have not yet found a competent leader or government. COntrary to what a majority of naive fools think, the English DO NOT drink tea and eat scones all day and DO NOT talk like the queen. In fact, the English are way tougher then any American (don't believe me, watch Green STreet Hooligans) and at least we fight like men and use our fists instead of running a mile and then using one of the thousand guns stored around the house. Sorry, yanks but England founded your 'great nation' and giving you independence was the biggest mistake we ever made.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

by Bubs_13 October 23, 2007
 
1.
A member nation of the United Kingdom. It is part of an island nation in western Europe, which invented football (which we have mixed results in) Rugby (same again) and many other handy things.

Together with Scotish enlghtenment (mainly based in Edinburgh) Welsh raw materials, Irish manpower. The English played a huge part in turning Great Britain into the first truly industrialised nation.

It also (again with the aid of the other home nations) formed the largest empire the world had yet seen. Strangely the English attempts at Empire had been successful but not greatly so, while the Scots had failed in panama. When the two combined however things really took off (strange)

The English also proved themselves to be a strong fighting nation both on sea and land and contrary to popular myth were equal to the other home nation regiments. For some reason many seem to believe that a race of people that sailed across the North sea and took over much of the fertile land of Great Britain and then fought virtualy non stop with Europe, should be considered pansies.

The English are now a hugely mixed group, however as they consider and take pride in their mixed basterdised background (creating a better stronger gene pool) this has had no real negative consequences unless a group is clearly segregating themselves (hence the dislike of the muslim veil)

The English relationship with the rest of the U.K. has been tense for many years in the past due mainly to the constant wars between themselves with no clear outcome other than pointless arguements over things that happened in the middle ages.

The main cause for dislike now is not so much cultural differences (as there are none to speak of other than accents)it is more of a dislike based on news reports wanting to create hatred. Football and Rugby matches that are treated like wars (its only a sodding game)and a sense of calling yoursef different for the sake of wanting to be different. This has been fueled by a largely pointless and over nostalgic view of the past in many celtic countries which now believe they can improve themselves by dressing stupidly and speaking languages that are basically defunct. rather like the Italians reverting to Latin on a whim or the English learning Anglo Saxon.
England perform on average on their own. United with the other nations of Britain. THEY ROCK!
by markwignall1988 October 21, 2006
 
2.
A brilliant country, from where the following things were introduced to the world: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Black Sabbath, Depeche Mode, Sex Pistols, Coldplay Monty Python, Emily Bronte, Charlotte Bronte, Shakespeare, Ian McKellan, Patrick Stewart, John Lennon, Harry Potter, Elton John, Fawlty Towers, The Office, Blackadder, Oscar Wilde, Jane Austen, John Keats, Lord Byron, Geoffrey Chaucer, William Blake, Charles Dickens, J.R.R. Tolkien, Roald Dahl, Thomas Hardy...
In short, England is the artistic and cultural heart of the world.
"The English language boasts a rich and prominant literary heritage. England has produced a wealth of significant literary figures including William Shakespeare, arguably the most famous in the history of the English language, Daniel Defoe, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, George Orwell and Harold Pinter. Others, such as J.R.R. Tolkien, Agatha Christie, Enid Blyton and J.K. Rowling have been among the best-selling novelists of the last century. Among the poets, Geoffrey Chaucer, Lord Byron, John Keats, John Milton, Samuel Taylor Coleridge and many others remain read and studied around the world-"-Wikipedia
by Kimmyliah September 10, 2006
 
3.
The homeland of numerous talented musicians.
Me love England, England is best
by WOOOOOOOOT December 11, 2006
 
4.
The best country in the world and probably the most hated for some reason but we dont drink tea all day and we r not all posh, actually i've never met anyone that talks like 'we' do in american films.
England help france in the war and then they sell really dangerous bombs n stuff to argentinians in the falklands war
by jakew September 14, 2006
 
5.
England is an alright country, depending on what part of England you're from it's a nice place to live. Many of Englands sterotypes are untrue or are untrue now for example bad teeth I've never met anyone in real life with black teeth and I've lived in England my whole life. I'm not saying England is the best country in the world because I don't think it is but i don't think it's as bad as most of these definitions are making out.
England is a fun place to live you know!!
by Gido&Jessicerr December 31, 2009
 
6.
The finest place on this earth.

England - Love it or leave it.
England the greatest place on Earth
by Donside April 09, 2006
 
7.
A decent place. No more, no less. England varies depending mostly on what city you stay in. Yes, we have a problem with immigration, chavs, an underachieving football team, but we're not full of tea drinkers, with awful teeth/food either.

As the author of #1 stated, we have an unhealthy relationship with the other nations in the U.K, due to things that happened centuries ago, and sports games, but none of us really took off until we combined. My wife is Welsh, and I love her with all my heart.

Simply put, we are just an alright country.
In England, you are sure to have both good and bad experiences.
by A person from england January 09, 2010