If your computer doesn’t run fast enough, turn it off ‘til it does.
We don’t allow customer abuse that we don’t originate.
Only 95% of our members have better customer service. That is why we will train you.
Fraud will be measured by profitability.
Only former members complain. The rest haven’t reached that point.
The best way to collect on an overdue account is to stop that account from making money until they pay. This is especially important if they don’t have any money because they are not likely to send it.
We improved customer service by adding polite introductions to irrelevant canned responses.
A satisfied customer is one who gives up.
We change practices every time we are forced by law to do so.
WELCOME TO EBAY – Let the chaos begin.
Indifference reduces worry.
When you have no competition you are always state-of-the-art.
We are the best at what we do and nobody else is us.
Customer service is all we expect from our customers.
We enable you to make money for us.
It was innovation that enabled our complacency.
Inefficiency can be overcome by raising prices.
Wherever there is disease there is eBay. We have no boundaries.
If there is any way we can help you, let us know. We don’t have a clue.
Contact Customer Support and we will make matters worse for you. That is what makes eBay so special.
Everyone in our company is empowered to do what we say and we are a computer program.
The secret to our success is to keep the same stuff moving from hand to hand. It eliminates the need for manufacturing.
Because of eBay, the United States Postal Service is busy in spite of the internet. That saves American jobs and generates tons of recyclable cardboard.
USPS shipping helps collectables become rarer, thereby increasing the value of remaining ones.
Your business is our business. Your money is our money. Your success is not important.
We do not make mistakes, therefore we cannot make mistakes. Any apparent mistakes did not happen and could not happen. Therefore, calling a mistake to our attention is pointless because it could not have happened and did not happen. Is there anything else we can help you with?
Watch an item until somebody buys it, then act.
Bid at the last second, and you will win often win sometimes win might win seldom will win get beat. Who is that guy?
Search until you find something nice that you can’t afford. Then watch it until it ends. It helps the seller to be optimistic and to learn to cope with disappointment both. Thereby, you serve your fellow man. It tries your resistance, thereby strengthening your character. Or, it makes bitches out of both of you.
We have a new pricing structure that reduces your cost on some features and adjusts fees on some others. It all comes out in our wash.
What you see as inefficiency is the very reason we have raised your fees.
We will announce a new initiative early next month, so watch out.
Due to rising costs for something somewhere, fees will be adjusted to reflect needed increases so that we may better serve you.
Customer service availability is being increased to 62 minutes per hour to better serve you.
Here at eBay we are committed to the principle of valuing our customer as our enemy.
If you make an error, we will enhance it. That is why punishment works.
If you are behind in your eBay fees, we promise to do everything in our power to stop you from making money until you pay with it.
Following eBay’s official customer service route will direct members into three wrong turns and a dead end. Moreover, we strive to make your trip a pleasant one.
Our Customer Service Representatives are trained to politely tell our members to go to hell. There is no use in offending our members.
All policies at eBay are in place for a reason and logic has nothing to do with it.
Changing the light on bullshit gives a fresh perspective without essentially changing it. There is a great deal of operational stability in that approach.
In our point of view, good practices are those that follow our point of view. Our actual point of view is a closely held secret, as are all advanced weapons.
We strongly discourage anti-conundrum thinking.
Every eBay policy is there for a reason. It may not make sense to you, but there must be a good reason for it. To change anything upsets us.
To better fulfill your opportunities at eBay and understand your role, you are encouraged to read our new posting titled: Mafia Economics and You.
Stay in the box and trust your leadership team to do the right thing. It is your path to promotion and increasing fringe benefits*.
*Efforts are under way to eliminate this problem
Due to recent fee structure changes there are now more openings than ever before for new members.
Press Release Template:
The media got it all wrong… (disclaimer details)
“In short, ladies and gentlemen, our three year plan is to press on for three more years!”
Our highly trained Customer Service Department is now able to write custom introductions to our canned responses. We believe in planting flowers in bullshit.
eBay Members Blog:
eBay is dedicated to perpetuating and exacerbating members’ problems and we should not disappoint them by solving any problems ourselves.
I calculated that my losses are 8% an item due to new fees. How can I increase my sales to make up for it? Any feedback would be appreciated.
I from Thailand have understand English. What is toad sucking jackass?
What is the best way to get even with a buyer, and no stupid responses please.
Will the seller that sold that shirt please let me know if they have any more.
Anyone out there know the best category for listing illegal aliens? Thanks, Tex
Yes. If estate sales aren’t available to you right now, kill a rich person that has a lot of stuff. It will tide you over until somebody dies.
To the poor schmuck trying to get customer service from eBay – get a life already.
To the guy that wanted to know how to prevent getting things broken by the post office, try UPS.
eBay is teaching customer service at 10:00am (PDT) this Thursday. It’s probably going to be real funny so tune in.
Anybody know how I can bid on my own stuff to get more money out of it. I’m new to eBay.
What’s the best way to hide a crack in a dish? Half my sales depend on it.
To the guy that posted the question about the slot machine on July 12, 1999. Could you be more specific?
I have a brand new right shoe size 10D in black from Hickey-Freeman (Cat #32-5115). If you need one, let me know. It’s not doing me any good and I’ll send it to you for just the postage. Thanks.
Is there a different eBay anywhere? This is important. I need to know right away.
A fast growing eBay alumni association has been started at www.ebitter.com.
I have a wholesale quantity of yak butter at my eBay store, himaliar2offen. It won’t last long so check it out.
Does anybody know the correct spelling of szechymuts?
I am missing figurine #3 of Miscellaneous Statuettes® by the Franklin Mint from 1983. I would like to sell them as a set of eight. My wife says it doesn’t matter, but if you have one please let me know.
I have searched every way I can think of for a pair of Anuit snowshoes made in 1957. Does anyone have a clue?
Will the seller that wanted a thingamajig please contact me. I found a nice one in my garage.
I have a live German hand grenade from 1939 and eBay removed my listing on the first day as a hazardous item (their words, not mine). I need some code words for it so collectors will know what it is, without tipping off eBay, so I can relist it. Is there someone that has done this before that will help me?
eBay Trust and Safety removed my listing for Milk Can, Complete w/ Lid because it may contain carbon tetrachloride (?) They don’t respond to my emails. Can anyone explain any of this? I have been on eBay for only three months.
Response: Welcome to eBay
I give buyers three days to pay. Lately, some have gone over the deadline. What is the best thing to do?
Response: Have you asked them if they are experiencing a problem? I always do and have never lost a sale.
Response: Hit the suckers with an Unpaid Item Strike. eBay will refund your selling fees so you can relist the item. Those SOB buyers will regret that they ever bid in the first place. Don’t let them screw you around.
Response: I had that happen to me once. I found out that the buyer went out of town to a family funeral instead of paying me. I filed an Unpaid Item Complaint to make them pay. It worked. Three days later I got my money.
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(If this message annoys you, pass it on to three people you don’t like – The Author)