The one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe.

1 First Chuck made heaven & earth 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of the beard was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And Chuck said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. 4 And Chuck saw that the light was good; and Chuck separated the light from the darkness. 5 Chuck Norris called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 6 And Chuck said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7 And Chuck made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. 8 And Chuck called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. 9 And Norris said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10 Chuck Norris called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And Chuck saw that it was good. 11 And Chuck Norris said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. 12 The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Chuck saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, a third day. 14 And Chuck said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. 16 And Chuck Norris made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. 17 And Chuck set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And Chuck saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. 20 And Chuck Norris said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." 21 So Chuck created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Chuck Norris saw that it was good. 22 And Chuck blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23 And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. 24 And Chuck said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25 And Chuck made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Chuck Norris saw that it was good. 26 Then Chuck said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So Chuck created man in his own image, in the image of Chuck Norris he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And Chuck blessed them with beards and fists of fury, and Chuck said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." 29 And Chuck Norris said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. 31 And Chuck saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.
by Criteria January 03, 2009
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One Kick Ass Son of a Bitch!

Some random facts about Chuck Norris:

"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.

Chuck Norris had sex with a cigarette machine.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.

If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.

A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.

Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.

When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.

There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."

Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a Fucking American" after kicking your little sister in the face
Chuck Norris dropped that Asian with a boot to the skull!
by Tony Mack November 17, 2005
American martial artist, action star, and Hollywood actor who is best known for playing Cordell "Cord" Walker on Walker, Texas Ranger. Also an extremely overrated icon that has no real talent save for the ability to kick a 2X4. He is an extremely closeminded Fundamentalist Christian that tried to have the bible used as mandatory reading material in public schools. His recent popularity is the result of a website created that listed exaggerated claims about Chuck Norris' strength and intellect. In reality he is a washed up loser that can be seen acting horribly on Walker, Texas Ranger or on late night excercise equipment informercials.
"Chuck Norris is a total doucheball!!"

"Who gives a shit about Chuck Norris?"

"Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home."
by Oliofreak March 28, 2008
One of the most overrated jerks to ever be loved by adolescents.

A third-rate martial artist (who was destroyed by Bruce Lee), Christian fundamentalist (wishes to have America become a puritanical christian theocracy), raging conservative, Total Gym spokesman, annoying white guy, and part of Sarah Palin's "real America".

Having been in plenty of movies (usually fighting red people, brown people, or yellow people) that have gained popularity amongst American youth, Chuck Norris was recently treated to a mock-godhood in the form of jokes. Being more commonly associated now with "pushing the earth down when doing push-ups" than his christian fundamentalism, Norris has been able to avoid falling into obscurity. Mike Huckabee, in an attempt to attract a younger, keener group of conservatives in his presidential bid, enlisted Chuck Norris in an ad campaign. Lacking any political substance, Huckabee would sit next to Chuck, raddle off a few Chuck jokes, broken up by Chuck Norris raddling off the old fashioned conservative campaign rhetoric, and ending with Chuck punching the air and saying "Chuck Norris Approved!" Huckabee lost steam early in the campaign, and Norris latched himself to McCain.

Norris has also worked with his wife to advertise efforts to begin teaching the bible in public schools across America. Believing that America is founded upon "Christian principles", he seems to have no problem reaching the conclusion that we should therefore essentially abandon democracy in every way but name and become a theocracy, with christian leaders, christian populace, and the bible as soul judgement of how to run the country. It is unknown, but doubtful, that Norris has read the entire bible.

Final note: His popularity has become so great amongst adolescent males and their middle-aged male teachers, that anyone who attempts to criticize him is bound for an ass-whooping (as I am sure to get after sending this in).
The Chuck Norris jokes I was bombarded with at school became so frustrating, I eventually launched a worldwide anti-Chuck Norris propoganda campaign.
by The Slime June 27, 2009
1) A guy who everybody thinks is badass but is in reality a total pansy.

2) Despite being a big, burly guy, but killed by the comparatively scrawny Bruce Lee

3) Thinks that Barack Obama is not eligible to be President because he wasn't born in the U.S., despite the fact that thorough investigations have proven otherwise and that his mother was a U.S. citizen, making Obama a U.S. citizen by birth.

4) Endorsed Mike Huckabee, aka the GOP's answer to Jimmy Carter for President in '08
1) Joe: Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Bob: You're wrong on both counts.

2) Bruce Lee: I KILL CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3) Chuck Norris: Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and therefore can't be president.

Constitutional Expert: Contrary to popular belief, one doesn't have to be born in the United States to be eligible for the Presidency, only a citizen by birth. Even if he was born in Kenya, his mother was a U.S. citizen, making him one by birth.

4) Chuck Norris: Hi I'm Chuck Norris, and I'd like you to vote for Mike Huckabee for President in 2008.

Intellectual: If Mike Huckabee's our next president, we're screwed.
by thegreatrock February 16, 2010
A dude whose jokes are really starting to get old.
Jon: Wanna hear a Chuck Norris joke?
Me: Wanna suck my dick?
by The_Shagster June 24, 2011
A man that is liked too much in the teenage society.
Guy 1: Hey dude, have you seen Walker Texas Ranger?
Guy 2: No, but Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Guy 1: What does that have to do with seeing the movie?
Guy 2: Chuck Norris doesn't have to make sense.
Guy 1: ::Grabs knife and kills Guy 2::
by S-Park March 14, 2006
An internet fad that REALLY needs to die.
Don't tell me your next joke is about Chuck Norris.
by Moofey July 10, 2008

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