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Chuck Norris is the strongest man alive.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
more....

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.

When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
by Mission Maker March 03, 2006

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Once a respected actor, now just a way to be cool, I mean, seriusly, most everybody that says those damn jokes don't know about his show, or even the lever that used to be on Conan o' Brian. What has the world come to?
Chuck norris was once funny, until not funny people started bringing those jokes to school and resiteing them to everybody and thinking that they are so funny
HAHAHA
thanks for beating a dead horse
by Pat and Brandon July 20, 2006

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not as cool as bruce willis, and never will be.
wow that sucks, its so chuck norris.
by mbomb May 02, 2007

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This is not the person Chuck Norris rather and act as in the act of Chuck Norrising sombody.
It essential is an abe lincoln but with rph.
It is where you ejaculate on someones face and stick red pubes to the face making a beard ressembaling Chuck Norris.
Dude that chick i hooked up with last night was a bitch so i Chuck Norrised her ass.
by Tyler Colvin January 24, 2008

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The act of kicking a girl in the back of the head while she is mounting you.
I didn't like that bitch so i gave her the ol' Chuck Norris.
by Oakie Oakerson June 09, 2006

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Chuck Norris invented Judisim. When Jesus turned water into wine, Chuck Norris thought it tasted shitty so he roundhouse kicked Jesus and he died. Ever since then, the Jews are afraid to believe in Jesus.
by The GSpotter August 10, 2006

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Aside from being a faddish 2000's pop culture exemplar of all things tough, monosyllabic, and righteously violent, Chuck Norris holds black belts in Tang Soo Do, Tae Kwon Do, Karate, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. His rise to Hollywood fame occurred when he starred as the villain opposite Bruce Lee in "Return of the Dragon." He played leads in a number of martial arts movies through the 80's, then was picked up for "Walker, Texas Ranger" in 1993, which aired for eight years on CBS. As of 2006, he continues to take on roles for various karate flicks, capitalizing intensely on his recent faddish popularity.
The Chuck Norris jokes will end when Chuck Norris is ready for them to end.
by Alfred F. September 11, 2006

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a spinning roundhouse kick to the head
if you keep fucking around i'm gonna give you a chuck norris
by wolf January 11, 2005

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