When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.
God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.
Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.