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Chuck Norris is the strongest man alive.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.

When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
by Mission Maker March 03, 2006
673 1227
the sum of everything awesome and gnarley
your mom,chuck norris
by DJ-LippeJ1.4. March 31, 2011
4 869
A freak of nature, able to kill people with an intimidating stare, roundhouse-kick anything into dirt, and destroy a nation.
chuck norris once had an erection. There were no survivors.

the atomic bomb was discovered when chuck norris split an atom with his fist.

Hurricanes are a direct result from chuck norris breathing heavily

The rhicter scale was developed to measure chuck norris's stomach growl

When Chuck Norris hunts, he doesn't use a gun. He just looks into his prey's eyes and they kill themselve's to escape his punishment.

Chuck Norris beat the Hulk in arm wrestling. Then he round-house kicked the angry right out of him.

Chuck Norris once failed a class. Then he wiped that class off of the face of the Earth.

Chuck Norris and Superman used to be roomates on Krypton. One day they had a disagreement, and chuck norris punched the planet apart.

When Chuck Norris pops his pimples, they grunt

Chuck Norris willl scare 2012 away.
by maisonJjjm March 16, 2011
5 870
Chuck Norris is allegedly the only man to ever beat Bruce Lee. Lee later Admitted to this fact
Shit dude Chuck Norris beat Bruce Lee
*random person runs and hides*
by RobScheflo December 24, 2007
2 869
1. A martial arts master.

2. The star of countless movies that are amazingly awesome.

3. Star of the show "Walker Texas Ranger" where he plays a Texas Ranger named Walker. This show has been cancelled because too many eight year olds wet their beds at the sight of Chuck Norris kicking ass.

4. A man who always personally greets you to his website.

5. See God.
One day I saw Chuck Norris, I am now in the witness protection program.
by Ronnie the Raider November 23, 2006
14 882
the matrix is just a codename the real name is chuck norris.

neo said he was the matrix....
and nobody heard from him again.
screw the matrix belive in chuck norris
by kaiser 1337 August 21, 2006
7 878
the one and only guy who has both testicles larger
99,9% of men have one testicle larger from the other one. both of chuck norris' testicles are larger.
by Evalyen February 03, 2006
25 898
The one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe.

1 First Chuck made heaven & earth 2 The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of the beard was moving over the face of the waters. 3 And Chuck said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. 4 And Chuck saw that the light was good; and Chuck separated the light from the darkness. 5 Chuck Norris called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 6 And Chuck said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7 And Chuck made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. 8 And Chuck called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. 9 And Norris said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10 Chuck Norris called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And Chuck saw that it was good. 11 And Chuck Norris said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. 12 The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Chuck saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, a third day. 14 And Chuck said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. 16 And Chuck Norris made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. 17 And Chuck set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And Chuck saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. 20 And Chuck Norris said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." 21 So Chuck created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Chuck Norris saw that it was good. 22 And Chuck blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23 And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. 24 And Chuck said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25 And Chuck made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Chuck Norris saw that it was good. 26 Then Chuck said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So Chuck created man in his own image, in the image of Chuck Norris he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And Chuck blessed them with beards and fists of fury, and Chuck said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." 29 And Chuck Norris said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. 31 And Chuck saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.
by Criteria January 03, 2009
2 883