Chuck Norris is the strongest man alive.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.
God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.
Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.
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One Kick Ass Son of a Bitch!more...
Some random facts about Chuck Norris:
"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.
Chuck Norris had sex with a cigarette machine.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.
A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass....
The manliest man on Earth:more...
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct b...
v. to perform a totally cool and violent action, observable by peers
v. to judiciously kick a man, woman, child, or animal's ass
v. to maintain street credibility;
adj. for street cred
Did you see the way Stewart Chuck Norrised that fucking guy's neck? That's awesome.
Phil Chuck Norrised that cat because it gave him a look and walked across the hall.
Did you see the way Travis slapped that bitch? That's Chuck Norris.
America's premier ass kicking artist since the early 1960's.
Even at age 63 Chuck Norris can kick any guys ass in the US of A and most of the world and beyond!
The badest mofo of dem all. DONT F*%K WITH CHUCK!!!
When chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the pool gets chucked.
One day a man asked chuck norris if his real name was charles. Chuck norris did not respond, but rather stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck norris doesn't have AIDS but he gives them to people anyway.
If you can see chuck norris he can see you. If you can't see chuck norris, you may be only be seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is the mightiest man alive. He will kill your family and eat your soul. His roundhouse kicks have been known to destroy worlds. All your base are belong to him.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
there is no definition for chuck norris
1: i tried to define chuck norris
2: what happened?
1: i got roundhouse kicked and was told no one defines chuck norris but chuck norris