Appearance: Chavs have a strict dress code. Designer labels are everything, although knocked off/fake items are almost de-rigeur. Typically, the male chav will wear a Nickelson or Schott hooded top, baggy tracksuit trousers, white designer trainers, and a baseball cap by burberry or Nike. The female chav (chavette) will have peroxide blonde hair scrunched so tight into a pony tail with colourful scrunchies that her forehead stretches. She will wear a dark blue tracksuit with white stripes, an enormous puffa jacket, hoop earrings, and white trainers. Female chavs are forbidden from wearing socks, and all chavs must wear as much fake gold jewellery as they can fit on their bodies. Mobiles are an added status symbol, and when equipped, the chav must shout into it in the most anti-social way possible, using at least one expletive and the word "innit" per second. Every other word in between should be unrecognisable to non-chavs.
Cars: Typically the Vauxhall Nova, but could include Ford Escort/Orion, Vauxhall Astra, and for chavs with "bling", even a totally shagged 3 series BMW. Whatever the type of car, it must have a spoiler shaped plank of MDF nailed to the back, 20" alloy wheels which rub on the wheel arches over every bump, a badly fitted bodykit (extra points for being able to see EXACTLY where the car ends and bodykit starts), a lairy paint job with runs in it, exhaust pipes the size of the space shuttle's booster nozzles, and blue LED's on the washer jets. Neon undercar lighting is also desirable.
Attitude: The chav's attitude depends heavily on the number of mates backing him up. If he's on his own, he'll skulk along anonymously. In numbers, he'll challenge anyone to anything.
Health and Education
Chavs can often be seen smoking - an activity which causes them to spit and cough, but only in public places (see above). They imbibe alcohol, normally in the form of cheap lager / cider normally obtained illegally. This often gives them the impression that they are 'hard' and they will thus attempt to start fights with anyone/thing smaller than them. However, upon retaliation of their prey they tend to run away.
Chavs are, believe it or not, to be found in education. Again, they tend to subsist in packs and can be seen braying and howling in the classroom, challenging even the most reasonable of requests to shut the hell up and let other people learn things. They tend to leave school before the age of sixteen, however, in order to pursue parenthood or a life of crime.
The chavette is rarely seen driving a car. Instead, she is to be found holding up various bus passengers as she attempts to manoeuvre her outsized three-wheeled buggy onto a local bus service. She is usually en route to a supermarket or other place where she can swear at or smack her children publicly (this is the only form of discipline, usually to an extreme, ever displayed by chavs or chavettes towards their children and so it is required by law that it takes place wherever others may be gathered).
The chav can be found spending seemingly endless resources of money adding bodykits and neon striplights to his car (sometimes known as a 'chaviot'): this is normally a pre-1990 Ford Escort with 1100cc engine and XR3i stickers, a near-suicidal Vauxhall Nova (with plastic split-screen effect, or the occasional BMW coated in Hammerite. The real mystery about this is how the vehicle can move under the weight of the stereo system installed (badly) within. A large sticker usually adorns the rear (tinted) windscreen of the vehicle, proclaiming the brand of stereo equipment supposedly fitted inside. Loud, bassy music of indeterminate genre / origin will more often than not be emanating through the very loose tinted side windows.
The typical Chav speaks a language which has yet to be named. It claims to have its roots in English, although this is in some doubt. Most Chav words are mercifully brief, and sentences tend to be punctuated with 'innit' or some sort of expletive. Only chavs can truly understand the language - the rest of us can only guess at the witty repartie and intellectual gems of conversation that may pass between them.
hair scraped back, + tight trousers/dangerously short skirt/tracksuit + tight top, (if girl showing alot of clevage) + attitude problem + big gold earings/necklaces and rings (covering every finger so its almost impossible to pick anything up)= female chav
short blond or bleached blond spiky hair + attitude problem + limited voacb consisting of: 'safe', 'innit', 'ya startin?' and 'mint' + one ear pierced with a earing rather than a stud + a few gold rings + socks pulled over their trousers, of their trousers roled up (anything to be noticed) = male chav
Is she..? Yes, she is! A Chavette! Sorry, didn’t spot it quickly enough – forgive me, I’m blind.
Here are a few clues for Chav-spotters:
Girls (Chavettes, Sengas):
- Bling, and lots of it.
- Hoop earrings you could drive a bus through
- Hair pulled back so tight as to provide a facial expression of constant surprise
- At least three children trailing
- Smoking a fag – a little white stick poking out of your mouth really does make you look TERRIBLY sophisticated, dear…
- Talking on a mobile
- Wearing a variety of coins/Christmas cracker rings on fingers
- Cow-eyed look in eyes
- Skin as white as death, with blue tinges here and there (occasional purple and yellow ones too, from constant spousal abuse) and a red nose from smoking/drinking too much
- Skirt pulled up to just below the hair-line (please God don’t EVER let it get any higher)
- Fat Chavettes – without exception - sport tight, too-short tops that would put even the hardiest person off their meal, and trousers that expose a crack minging enough to put a plumber to shame
- Throws litter/gum/cigarette butts onto the pavement/bus floor
- Baseball caps on (but probably don’t know what baseball is)
- Hair so short it could pop balloons
- Fewer teeth than a Shanghai hobo
- Tiny, skinny frame laden with heavy fake-gold
- Cheap nylon track-suits
- Smoking a fag (of course) and spitting at passers-by
- Usually found sitting on the top of a park bench or a wall in the town centre
- Ears near the back of their necks, a particularly endearing genetic malformation
- Always mock-fighting with fellow Chavs, possibly to intimidate onlookers
- In vehicles that are horribly unroadworthy, and which generally have no engine. The booming bass from the shite they listen to provides enough momentum
Classless, no-mannered, ugly, aggressive, incredibly stupid wastes of flesh. They need to be lined up and shot.