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96.
The holy book to the Christians. It is divided into two parts, the Old Testament and the New Testament, and is suppossedly writtten by God*. The bible is compossed mainly of various stories and rules that many Christians believe are true.

Though it is read to young children in Church and in some churched-runned schools, the bible contains mature contents such as gore, violence, and sex. If made into a film(the entire thing), it would be rated NC-17. Not reccomended for anyone against the mentions of orgies, anal sex, swapping partners, and sex in general.

True, the bible has been, and still is, used as propaganda by various institutions. Wars, burnings, stonings, many interuptions of my lunch by christians(protestants) looking for converts have been a direct consequence of the people using God to justify horrific actions(see political theology). The above does NOT mean it is evil. The blood of the dead and tortured is on the hands of those who are soulless enough to use the bible to control the masses for their own gain or percieved God's gain. By the way, the bible is not boring. It is full of gore, death, action (in some of the better books), and stories. If classified into genres, it would fit in every category. I personally do not believe in the bible as the word of God and to all the Christians who are going to say read the bible, I have read EVERY page of the New Testament and most of the Old Testament. I do not think that bashing either side will solve anything. If I were to follow every impulse and urge to say everything on the top of my mind, I would be burned at the stake already, or at least have 'traitor', 'demon', and 'bitch' painted in blood on my locker. So chill.... And yes, the bible is essentially treated cellouse and can be used as toilet paper, paper airplanes, etc., but I reccomend against it.

"Take is as thy will" -n/a

"Religion is the opium of the masses"
-Marx (Karl, not Groucho)
P1: Hello, is that the bible you are reading? I thought you were atheist.
P2: I am just reading it as I would read any other book.
P1: I tried reading it, but I didn't get the parts where God burned down Sodom. Weren't they just partying too loud?
P2: Errrr...(tries to explain it without being vuglar and fails)...Go to the Health teacher. He will explain everything.

---Witnesses account seeing person1 running out of the Health teacher's office horrified 10 minuted later.
by Stephen Jiu September 03, 2007
 
1.
An ancient novel full of murder, corruption, homosexuality, bestiality, incest and cruelty. It is often read to children on Sunday.
 
2.
Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her " Apple or GTFO"(cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.

THE END

- By Noah McHugh
I read the bible, it was epic as hell.
by Noah McHugh May 09, 2008
 
3.
The Bible is probably the best book ever. You can use it as a coaster, hit people with it, look funny and quote it, eat the pages, fire fuel, toilet paper, start a war, control the stoopid people of the world, read it and become president, Hanaukkah present, piss off the Muslims, and turn back the clock.
I used my bible yesterday as a fiber subustitute.
by MistahTom December 07, 2005
 
4.
#1 Fiction Best Seller
what is the need for a bible example?
by lulZmEaN December 29, 2007
 
5.
A tremendous book that cultivates the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
The Bible helped me stop masturbating and taught me the value of space docking with God.
by Netaungrot August 29, 2007
 
6.
A historically ficticious piece of literature written to inspire the gullible, bring fear to small children and provide a good substitute for fire wood. Does not mention dinosaurs.
"Gee whiz! The bible does not mention dinosaurs. Must be based on factual occurences!"

"The priest read the bible alone with the children. He must be a good guy and not a pedophile"
by krey1112 July 27, 2009
 
7.
The Bible in 50 words...

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled,Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, Promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.
- What other book has all the words from the Bible?
- A dictionary.
by alvit May 20, 2009