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136.
Def: the truth and guidelines the way a person should live.
Those of you who hate the bible don't understand it. God doesn't hate the people who hate him . He loves them and hopes they repent,but if they don't where does he send them? Sin is not allowed in heaven, so to his regets they have to go to Hell.It's not God's fault though the man and the woman ate the apple (sinned) and weren't pure so God couldn't allow them eternal life. Its MAN'S FAULT. And duh one man didn't write the bible it was writen by many men over thousands of years who believed in and expierianced the love of God. And Jesus WAS and IS real. I pity your ignorance and pray for your salvation. God loves you.I guess sooner or later you will find out if God is real or not!But for now please believe me that he is,was, and will always be.
More info even scientists have to admit that most events in the bible have some fact.( Ramsiese was found to be real and Cleopatra's family tree is in the NIV bible. Something to dwell on if you don't believe in God and believe in the big bang theory tell me what caused that big bang and the universe, or why this was all created from the big bang?

Food for thought: The Bible doesn't give bad advice! Don't kill,lie,cheat,steal,rape,and etc, Unless you like it when people lie to you, you like it if your boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on you,You like it when people steal from you,or raped you. Do unto others as you wish done to you.

God Bless xoxoxo Niecea
by Niecea Freeman March 04, 2006
 
1.
An ancient novel full of murder, corruption, homosexuality, bestiality, incest and cruelty. It is often read to children on Sunday.
 
2.
Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her " Apple or GTFO"(cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.

THE END

- By Noah McHugh
I read the bible, it was epic as hell.
by Noah McHugh May 09, 2008
 
3.
The Bible is probably the best book ever. You can use it as a coaster, hit people with it, look funny and quote it, eat the pages, fire fuel, toilet paper, start a war, control the stoopid people of the world, read it and become president, Hanaukkah present, piss off the Muslims, and turn back the clock.
I used my bible yesterday as a fiber subustitute.
by MistahTom December 07, 2005
 
4.
#1 Fiction Best Seller
what is the need for a bible example?
by lulZmEaN December 29, 2007
 
5.
A tremendous book that cultivates the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
The Bible helped me stop masturbating and taught me the value of space docking with God.
by Netaungrot August 29, 2007
 
6.
A historically ficticious piece of literature written to inspire the gullible, bring fear to small children and provide a good substitute for fire wood. Does not mention dinosaurs.
"Gee whiz! The bible does not mention dinosaurs. Must be based on factual occurences!"

"The priest read the bible alone with the children. He must be a good guy and not a pedophile"
by krey1112 July 27, 2009
 
7.
The Bible in 50 words...

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled,Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, Promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.
- What other book has all the words from the Bible?
- A dictionary.
by alvit May 20, 2009