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1.
Such species are an infamous breed to the city of Austin, TX. Sons of the inhabitants of Tarrytown, punkasses generally go against the rulemakers to prove not only their masculinity nor the extravagant size of their wangles, but to establish their rank in the hierarchy of punkasses. The leader of the herd is easily recognized as he who gets people most throad. The ritual begins once the dominant male(s) gets pretty throwed and begins his purchase of illegal substances at Speedway or Rashish's "parrrty-mon" Shell gas station. Fabricated legal documents are the method of acquisition, and punkasses merely laugh at any sort of law enforcement. As the ceremonial procession continues, punkasses may hesitate in their transportation to heckle dumb bitches talking on their phones. The echoing of a "Fucking CUNT bitch!" or "Oh, here come my buttcheeks" is heard from miles around, and non-punkasses cringe at the thought of such an encounter. The sacred "headdress", if you will, is crowned once a destination is reached, thus the head punkass is immediately recognized with a beer bong, fat pinch, ice-cold cooler, and "i'm THROAD" beckonings from the driveway. Everything stops. Hot biatches and fellow punkasses pause in respectful silence. The chief takes the commencement beer-bong (the simultaneous maintenance of the dip is a demonstration of skill), and the tribe chugs in recognition. All members accept the fact that they will very possibly end up in the emrgency room by 4am, or acquire a sexually-transmitted disease whose origin will never be remembered again. Driving while intoxicated is hardly ever a worry, however, because of the punkasses' mastered skill of inebriated maneuverage.
Daytime schedules usually revolve around the place of “education”, which is laughable because punkasses are drunk, stoned, or dipping nearly 100% of the time at school. Thus, the acronym “AHS” must be included in this species’ classification. Austin High School regulations are the most pitiful of all, the rules being a demonstration of reverse psychology. For instance, when “Everybody go to class!” is heard, punkasses make the extra effort to loaf about in the hallways, throwing the remnants of their lunches at any authority figure. When rules are made about the designated areas of parking, an AHS punkass will encourage friends to do it anyway, fabricating shitty parking passes as a direct insult to the intelligence of the predominantly-minority administration. (Wetbacks generally have the IQ of a retarded 4-year-old.) Thus, anarchy abounds at “school” and rules are made to be broken. Texas public education has frequently been equated to Disneyland by the US governments.
Take warning citizens of Austin: Whenever you fuck with a “Little Bitch”, a “Beebop”, a “’Bil”, an “Uncle Albert”, or any other sub-species of AHS punkass, the fight will immediately be brought to your doorstep. Whether in tire-mark or in log form, repercussions will not be pleasant, and Texas law enforcement agencies do not suggest interaction with AHS punkasses.
While the effects of the this species is not felt particularly hard throughout the world yet, within 20 years economists estimate that the world will be overrun with them. Fucking like rabbits, these punkasses quickly breed to and fro, this way and that, until multiple hot biatches are impregnated with the next generation. Due to some unexplained phenomenon, AHS punkasses are also capable of attending the most prestigious universities in the country, and will be completely banking in the next 10 years. Of course all incomes will be immediately invested in the alcohol industry.
"Dude...duuuudde...i'm gonna blat"
morning wood - "just sport the tuck"
The South Will Rise Again
by Billy Bojangles July 21, 2004