The first is the green label variety. It is 80 proof and suited for inexperienced drinkers and pussies. The second kind is blue label. It is 90 proof and is for bitches who want to look tough or badasses who don't feel like drinking. The third species of T-Var is reserved for only the most salty of drinking veterans. It is 100 proof and brandishes its red label as proudly as an ostentatious king wearing his crown. It says to the consumer, "Warning: contents are extremely volatile and may result in but not limited to: vomiting, loud obnoxious shouting, irrational thinking, impaired driving and judgment, slurred speech, a flirtatious attitude, a dramatic increase in strength, a feeling of dizziness, a complete loss of memory, awesomeness, the inability to shut the fuck up, an intense desire to fight somebody over nothing, a substantial increase in the fun of a party, in increase in the attractiveness of girls at a party, long and stupid stories, confessions of deep dark secrets, telling your best friend you love him and it not being gay, massive hangover, lack of motivation, inability to attend class, ability to dance like a retard, ability to talk shit and always win, increased appetite for cheesies, drunk dials and texts, buying a round for people for no reason, decrease in productivity, decrease in brain function, decrease in motor skills, increase in beer pong talent, a fucking good time, shtymes, fucked up dreams, theft, burying of treasure, scaling of walls, pissing on interesting objects, and waking up next to a walrus." Use extreme caution when consuming the red label, for it is far too strong for your average weekend drinker.
-Damn dude what did you drink?