A hero from an age old tale. She is one who procrastinates profusely, and ultimately happens upon her own downfall because of it. Created by infamous muses Benjaminciano and Bethaniciana.
This epic, as epic as it may be, has never been introduced to any publisher's eyes, it will someday be a best seller, and Oscar winning movie
The Adventures of Tiffaniciana: A Purely Fictional Epic…(epic being a very loose term)
Chapter One: Once Upon A Time….
Once upon a time, there was a girl...named Tiffaniciana. Tiffaniciana had procrastinated a lot on her English essay that was due ON MONDAY. And THEN Tiffaniciana realized it was 6pm on SUNDAY! And she hadn’t started!! Tiffaniciana had to stay up until 3am working on her essay but she fell asleep… and got an F!!!!
MORAL OF THE STORY: START ON YOUR ESSAY NOW OR YOU WILL END UP LIKE TIFFANICIANA!
Chapter Two: Tiffaniciana Gets Discouraged
No, waitwaitwait, that’s not what happened. Lemmee try again. *Ahem, Even though Tiffaniciana was working very hard to get her essay done, nothing came to mind as to what she oughtta write about. So, Tiffaniciana was very depressed and sad. She was worried that she would flunk out of English and her parents would kick her out of the house. Tiffaniciana suddenly realized that staring at the computer was not going to get her anywhere. So, she got up and ran around the block a couple times (but not in flip flops and not in the dark and she DID NOT fall and kill her knee). Aaaanyway, when Tiffaniciana came back from her little run, she had an epiphany and realized what she wanted to write about. This epiphany changed Tiffaniciana’s outlook on English class and she sat down and wrote her entire essay in an hour. She went to school after having a GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP (ahem…AHEM), and turned in her essay. About 6 months later when she (finally) received her essay back, Tiffaniciana looked at it and saw that it was an A!
MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU GET DISCOURAGED, DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR 5 MINUTES AND DO NOT THINK ABOUT ENGLISH. THEN COME BACK AND TRY AGAIN. STARING AT YOUR COMPUTER WILL NOT HELP!!
Chapter 3: Alternate Ending
We again see our hero-ette facing yet another englilish paper. Hours passed and Tiffaniciana still could not figure out what to write for her evil English essay. She sat and stared at her computer for hours and hours and hours. Then, Tiffaniciana came up with a brilliant, but evil idea. SPARK-NOTES! With an evil grin on her face, Tiffaniciana started typing www.sparknotes.....when all of the sudden, Benjaminiciano and Bethaniciana started to AIM her. “DON’T DO IT!” They both screamed (over AIM). “DON’T LOWER YOURSELF TO THAT LEVEL!” That wiped the evil grin off of Tiffaniciana’s face, but it didn’t remove the evil thought from her mind. Despite the desperate pleading of her two friends, Tiffaniciana went to sparknotes.com and read all the material that she needed for her essay. After she was done, she typed up her paper and went to sleep.
The next day, she turned in her essay, excited that she actually understood everything she had written. She thought it sounded good. However, Townzenciana, her English teacher, was very smart and caught on to Tiffaniciana’s evil doings. During class a week after Tiffaniciana turned in her paper, Townzenciana called her up to her desk and started yelling at her in front of the entire class. The whole class stared at Tiffaniciana with amazed eyes. They wondered how such a brilliant person would do such a dumb thing. Tiffaniciana was so embarrassed that she holed up in her house for the next ten years and didn’t come out until she was sure that all her friends from the English class had moved away. However, Tiffaniciana had ruined her entire life because she plagiarized that one English paper. Every time she ventured out of her house, someone would recognize her as Tiffaniciana, the Plagiarizer. Poor Tiffaniciana…if only she had listened to Benjaminiciano and Bethaniciana.
MORAL: DO NOT GO TO SPARKNOTES! YOU CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR ESSAY! YOU ARE BRILLIANT AND YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT!! (ALSO, LISTEN TO BENJAMINICIANO AND BETHANICIANA – THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT)
CHAPTER 4: Tiffaniciana gets Distracted
How does tiffaniciana find herself with so many englilish papers? Who knows, just read on. Despite Tiffaniciana’s desperate attempts to complete her English essay, she was no match for her 7 minute attention span. YouTube was calling her name and she just couldn’t resist the pleasant idea of searching online for ‘funny vids’. However, there was also the whole house to get distracted with. The TV…. AIM……..doorknobs…anything and everything distracted poor Tiffaniciana. Hours passed and by 10:39pm, Tiffaniciana realized that she had been staring at YouTube for almost 2 hours and her English paper was still sitting there, waiting to be written. In a mad panic, Tiffaniciana screamed and woke up her entire house. She spent 30 minutes apologizing to her parents, who wouldn’t forgive her and locked her outside. At 10:59, Tiffaniciana climbed under the house and managed to enter her room through the secret passageway dwarfs had created millions of years ago. Tiffaniciana frantically typed an essay that made no sense. Halfway through, she began pondering how the dwarfs made the secret passageway. Before long, she had been thinking about the abstract concept for an hour and she still had her essay to write. Determined to finish, Tiffaniciana pasted the ending paragraphs from her last English essay (the one she plagiarized from SparkNotes) onto her essay and decided she was done. You can only guess the grade she got on that essay….G-, the only grade worse than an F, given out to only REALLY bad papers!!!!
MORAL: DO NOT GET DISTRACTED BY YOUTUBE, DOORKNOBS OR WEIRD THOUGHTS! WORK ON YOUR ESSAY!
Chapter 5: Second Chance
When we last left our hero, Tiffaniciana, she had given up all hope, and had plagiarized to kingdom come after her encounter with some peculiar dwarfs. All of her homies frowned down upon her actions.
So her amigos Benjaminiciano and Bethaniciana knocked their heads together and found a loophole. With the aid of the gods, a late pass was found, but not just any late pass, for it was THEE late pass, the one to rule them all. The one given to only the members of a group entitled "I'm skrewwwwwed for English", and only for those in particular ‘troubledness’. It was a long and arduous task of getting the late pass to Tiffaniciana, (hmm, long and arduous, sounds like harry potter 7) but the outcome would be of maximum benefit for all the world. With this late pass, the pass of the gods, it could send her back in time, save her soul, and give her an additional week to do her paper, Huzzah!
This was a true gift. The last pass of this nature given out as such by the gods was in 428 BC, when Coluptious, son of Jeneasu, forgot to do his scroll on the meaning of life. Soooooo anyways, back to Tiffaniciana. She now had another whole week to finish this paper-of-all-papers, an entire week to write, rewrite, and refine. Buuuut guess what happened? She didn't start until 9 o'clock the night before it was due, once again, plagiarized, once again, and got discovered by the evil and powerful Townzenciana…once again. Boo hoo. The end.
EDITOR’S NOTE: MORALS ARE OVERRATED.
Chapter 6: Practice Does Not Make Perfect
After Tiffaniciana plagiarized a second time, even after Benjaminiciao and Bethaniciana (with help from the gods, of course) found and gave her THEE late pass, Tiffaniciana started to worry. She knew that Townzenciana had caught her for she had already turned in her essay to TurnItInCiana. Tiffaniciana pondered over what to do. Suddenly, an evil grin spread across Tiffaniciana’s face. (Much like that of the Grinch upon devising his own plan to steal Christmas!…See aside for visual representation.) She had a brilliant idea. She would try to get on Townzenciana’s good side during Ultimate Frisbee practice! Tiffaniciana, no longer worried and due to the formation of her evil plan she became extremely thoughtful once again. She had to get Townzenciana on her good side, which would probably mean distracting her. So, as we know, Tiffaniciana was good at thinking up evil plans, and decided to make Townzenciana a huge chocolate cake…..with delicious, chocolately Oreos®, which we also all know is milk’s favorite cookie and can be bought at your local Fred Meyers for an everyday low low price (yessss, even in a story you’ll find commercials). After the cake was finished, Oreos® aplenty, Tiffaniciana went to practice, where she was in for a big surprise.
THE END……………………………………………………………………….Just kidding.
When she arrived at practice, the first thing Tiffaniciana noticed was Townzenciana. She was glaring at Tiffaniciana with such contempt that Tiffaniciana felt as though she had robbed a bank (which she had, in a sense). “Uh oh…” thought Tiffaniciana. “She must have checked TurnItInCiana.” Holding the cake like a shield, Tiffaniciana shuffled over to Townzenciana, who just glared and stared at her the whole time. “I-I-I-I ma-a-a-ade you this cake” Tiffaniciana said. Townzenciana just stared at Tiffaniciana. Tiffaniciana, scared for her life, ran off to stand with her friends who were also at practice. Moments later, the scariest, hardest and worst practice of Tiffaniciana’s life began.
Townzenciana made Tiffaniciana do pushups, situps, and she had to run for 98.7 minutes (that’s the percent of plagiarism her paper contained). By the end of practice, Tiffaniciana felt like she was going to die. But, there was still more to come. At the very end, Townzenciana started lecturing Tiffaniciana about plagiarizing and sucking up to teachers by making them cakes. Townzenciana yelled at Tiffaniciana for hours it seemed like, and when she was finally done, Townzenciana got in her car and sped off, leaving Tiffaniciana all alone with her teammates, who were laughing uproariously at her. Amyciana, Jasonciano, and Tyciano, three of Tiffaniciana’s friends at practice told her they would never speak to her again due to her immature actions. Tiffaniciana went home, dreading school the next day. All because she plagiarized and didn’t take advantage of THEE late pass.
CHAPTER 7: THREE MONTHS LATER…TIFFANICIANA FREAKS OUT…AGAIN
After Tiffanciana survived Junior Year, all thought the work and evilness of school would be over. The authors of this EPIC thought they would have a break from writing this pointless saga. But, they were WRONG. Tiffaniciana was very angry and depressed because she had to go through summer school, which made her really very sad. Tiffinaciana spent countless nights memorizing pointless vocabulary words, which ate up her time and put her in a very bad mood. She also went through drivers ed, which ate up more of her time, and made her even madder. Tiffaniciana worked her butt off during the summer, driving, studying………….it seems impossible but…and running. Then, she took her drivers test, and passed with 99%. She missed one percent because her driving instructor was an idiot and got mad when Tiffaniciana called a guy who almost killed her a "bloody idiot". She passed, and was able to drive (legally)! She was very excited to get off the stupid bus and she was so excited that she would be able to drive herself. When October came around, she took the SAT and was surprised at how easy it was. She got a whopping 1600!!!……which she later realized is a crappy score by today’s standard…..SO she studied some more and got a 2200, allowing her to get into any college she wanted, which made her so excited, that she ran around screaming for weeks. However, she got in trouble because she is on the speech team, and she screamed her lungs out. Apparently, those stupid vocabulary words helped, and she ended up passing IB Senior English with 110% due to her amazing “bloody” (hehehe, Canadians and their words) vocabulary. Then, after performing brilliantly in Portland to coast due to all her amazing running, she excelled in cross country, and got into even better shape than she already was (even though she later decided to quit cross country because she claims she never said she’d do it and she’s morbidly afraid to run with people….). She was in such good shape that 300 guys asked her to prom, but she ran off and lived in the woods because she didn't want to go. BUT, rabid coyotes and beavers chased her out and she was forced to go back to her house. She hid in her garage but still couldn't avoid prom... But Tiffaniciana can drive! So, she drove to Hawaii and lived there, enjoying the sun and water. But, the entire student body of Tigard HS forced Tiffaniciana back, so that she would graduate, with her full IB diploma. Tiffiniciana graduated with her diploma, and a ton of honors. She was very happy and lived happily ever after at OSU or wherever she decided to go to college……..Even though OSU is for losers and only cool people go to UO.
CHAPTER 8: A CLOSER LOOK AT PORTLAND TO COAST
Even though everyone denied it, Portland to Coast, the dreaded race of death, was approaching. Tiffaniciana was extremely nervous, due to the increased risk of being eaten by a bear, mugged, or murdered in the middle of the woods with no one to hear you scream…while she ran. Tiffany, however, decided that the only way to protect herself was to carry her cell phone, her iPod, her 7.3 pound flashlight, and mace. Unfortunately, Tiffaniciana had so much crap with her, that while she was running, she tripped over the gravel and fell over a cliff into a deep dark ravine, a las dos de la maňana (or в два утром for those of you who only speak Russian, whiiiiich means a majority of this paper is a TAD difficult to understand anyways, but I digress, as the margins in Microsoft Word have all changed to Russian…and will now only guide right). ANYWAYS, Tiffaniciana flew to the bottom, and landed on something surprisingly soft. Then, the something soft moved, TIffaniciana screamed and tried to run away, but the soft thing grabbed her leg. All of a sudden, a bunch of soft things came at her, and were mumbling in a weird language that she couldn’t understand. Then, in really bad English, one of them told her they were the dwarfs who had dug the hole under her house billions of years ago. Tiffanicana was shocked, and didn’t know what to say. Then, the weird dwarf things started chanting in their weird dwarf-ish voices, and the ugliest of the dwarfs told her that because her god-family had prophesized that she would die at 16, it was their duty to kill her, so they could uphold the Order of the Wookies, and the Law of Jeneasu (remember, Jeneasu’s son had forgotten to write is scroll about the meaning of life back in 428 BC). Tiffaniciana, realizing that she could actually utilize some the crap her mother made her carry, shot mace into the eyeballs of the nearest dwarfs, and blinded the uglyish dwarf with her massive flashlight, then, she ran back up the ravine and kept on running like nothing had ever happened. (She later claimed that she had gotten lost, but WE know better) WELL, unfortunately, the dwarfs got angry and ran after her, chanting something somewhat resembling the THS fight song, except devoted to dwarf rights. Dwarfs, however, have short legs and instead of running, theeey more like waddled. Tiffaniciana beat them out and was able to run off. She told her teammates what had happened (NOT!!), and they all looked at her like she was crazy (we do that anyway). Lee asked her if she’d been drinking, and they finished Portland to Coast as if nothing had ever happened. Little did they know the evil dwarfs were tracking their vans’ every movement. However, the van stayed the night at seaside, and the evil dwarfs ended up going to the hotel where Benjaminciano, Leeciano, Michaelciano, Johnciano, and Matthewciano were staying. The evil dwarfs were not very smart, and also reasonably small, so when they followed Benjaminciano (w00t!), leeciano, Michaelciano, johnciano, and matthewciano to the pizza parlor/arcade, the restaurant owner thought they were fugly furbys and put them in the claw game, where they stayed for all eternity because those games are rigged and no one can ever win at them.
The end…..for now.
(this is but part of the tiffaniciana story, more shall come)