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Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her " Apple or GTFO"(cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.


- By Noah McHugh
I read the bible today, it was epic as hell.
by Noah McHugh May 08, 2008
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Primarily an account of the history of the human race as told by the ancient Hebrews in the oral tradition, later written down. It details not only the historical accounts of their people but the influence in their god, Yahweh. Yahweh is a god of history to these people and has a great influence in the course of human events. Also included in these texts are psalms or lyric writings concerning Yahweh, proverbs and prophesy concerning the fate of their people, and the coming of the Messiah who was foretold to bring the people of Yahweh out of bondage.
The portion of the bible commonly referred to as the New Testament pertains to an historical catalyst in the persona of Jesus of Nazareth, perceived by those who believed him to be the Messiah that was foretold. It is a collection of the memoirs of the apostles, known as the gospels and the acts of the apostles. also included are letters of the apostles to different Christian communities of their time admonishing them against behavior and belief that would lead them astray from the meaning of the gospels.
The bible is not necessarily a 'do this not that' affair. it is a collection of poetry, history, prophecy and legend. not all of it is necessarily historically acurate, but it is also not meant as a means of control. im not sure where everyone got that idea.
by Cliff Whitty August 25, 2006
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The most famous fantasy novel in human history.
The Bible isn't even that good, LOTR is a much better fantasy novel. The Bible is quite stupid and contradicts itself a lot. I think a retard wrote it.
by Bloodbath 87 March 06, 2009
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1.) a collection of fairy-tales designed to mislead groups of sheep into false hopes. contains hundreds of contradictions & many murders.

2.) proof that the christian god cannot exist.

3.) an alternate to education.
man_1 - "how do we explain our existence?"

man_2 - "im not sure, but i found this book called the Bible."

man_1 - "what does it say?"

man_2 - "this 'god' guy made us, & we shouldn't ask questions."

man_1 - "what does it say about science?"

man_2 - "that it's the devil."

man_1 - "but, what about all the facts & evidence we have?"

man_2 - "it's lies; god did it."

man_1 - "so, i don't have to analyze things anymore?"

man_2 - "no, you're a christian now."

man_1 - "hooray laziness!"
by Yooski February 14, 2010
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I have read Nietzsche and the bible. The single purpose of these conflicting sources is the goal of living. A common goal, whether it be through belief in God or a life as a superhuman, stress the same beliefs. If it feels wrong, don't do it and if it is bad for others then it is bad for humanity. As a side note, read the beatitudes. God exists for all of us.
by Thcmas September 07, 2008
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A book written by men, inspired by God, that gives guidelines on how you should live your life.
It also tells you how the world was created, how it will end, what will happen to believers, and what will happen to those who adamantly refuse God and his omniscience.
The Bible is meant to be taken literally in some aspects, and is open to interpretation in others.

It chronicles the origin of the world and civilization (the alternative is the theory of evolution which will never be proven).
The Bible shows how an Intelligent Designer could create something as complex as our world and life in general.
The Bible is full of prophecies that have been fulfilled, as well as prophecies that have been fulfilled in recent history, and prophecies that will be fulfilled.

Contrary to popular belief, the Bible does lend itself to science and human knowledge. It gives explanations that some choose not to accept (like little kids with their hands covering their ears, eyes clinched shut, mumbling 'la la la la la la la' because they think this changes reality).
The Bible is a fantastic book to read, whether you believe it is the Truth, or not.
by Daniel Lopez December 10, 2006
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A book used to control the masses with a false threat and reward system.
See: George W. Bush, mind control
Do what your told like the bible teaches.
by The Kryptonian April 07, 2005
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The vengeful act of crapping on a lover's chest while they sleep.

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